new job

editted.

all i ever ask is to go back together like last time. i dont mind of waiting but how long will it gonna take and at the end of the day, i get nothing for waiting? by right, i can wait for you but by left, you shouldnt make me wait for nothing. what ever decision that you gonna decide, im sure that im gonna respect it. afterall, love cant be force right. just follow your heart and decide on what you really want.

As for me now, i need to think what us best for me. i really need someone to show me love, to care for me and someone who's concern about me. but there's no one that can do all that except for that someone that im very sure could open up my heart. And im very sure he knows it too. Yes, that someone who i'll do anything for him. im sorry but im still hoping. hopping for a miracle to happen. i just miss the feeling of being loved and being cared by someone.

~~
all i ever wanted is to straight up my mind. i know that sometimes i only think bout myself. it's not that im being stingy or whatever it is but during that time i just need my own space to think. i dont blame you for being like this neither do i. it's both of us fault. and now i think we should just let the nature take the course. since we need to adapt with what we are doing now.

after what we've talked things out, ive been thinking lately bout what you said to me. ive been laying around and wonder through the sky and day dreaming. i guess, it is time for me to wake up from my long sleep. and start to realise on everything and everything happen with my surrounding. let me go through this and catch up with you. but in the same time, you do it slowly.

and i swear that we used to be very happy and cherish with each other and i want it to happen now. being like last time is all i ever want. so do you, right? i just wish that sometimes we could stop the crap and lead our life like how we used to be together. if things doesnt go well then we should know what to do bout it. im sorry for making you like this. and it is totally unfair for you. FYI, ilysm!





it has been ages, i never get myself an opportunity to update my blog or sitting in front of my PC. as you know i just get a new job as a server in a club. when i get back home, i will be talking to Taufiq on the phone for a while before i dose off. and i will spent my whole day sleeping and will wake up in the evening to get prepare for work. so that explain everything. one of my wishlist can strike out.

and you know what, i can only do all this and hang out with you guys on weekdays when I'm not working and free babey! i will compromise the timing for myself, friends and family, and so do you.

working in a night life is fun but pretty tiring and having a sleeping disorder. i have a wonderful colleague and pretty nice customers. as i used to work in FNB line, it helps me easily to communicate with my customers. from there, they will offer me their drink and tips. dance around while working and have a good day at the end of the day. haha.

wonderful night

good morning people. its 6.49 in the morning and i just reached home from Sunplaza Park with Alam, Dudd and Mag. yesterday night, while i was cooking for my supper, i received a call from Alam and he said that Dudd wanna ask me a favour to high light his hair. i packed my food and i rushed to the toilet and shower. i went to meet them at a shop nearby my place as they forget to bring extra helmet for me and im lazy to go back home to take my helmet. and we walked slowly to the park.  before that we stop by at the 7eleven to grab a bottle of liquor. few minutes later, Mag joined us and chilled. i swear i was amazed with Mag's Gilera bcoz his bike is so damn nice and hot! after eating we start to dye Dudd's hair. and i swear he look so amazing and hot after we do his hair. i was creep out and shouted coz there was a lot of creepy crawling insects and 1 of them crawling at my leg. we really had fun talking and jokes around. i had a big long talked with them as they are 22 years old and above and i acknowledge people's advise which are way older than me. they eat more salt than me. now then i understand what had happened with my surrounding. 

so here i am from today onwards, i wont expect anything or miracle to happen. i know that you dont dare to say anything to me as you just dowan to hurt my feelings. seriously, its better to hurt me now than later. no worries dude, i started to realise everything and i wont force you at all. now im glad that things go this way. both will not get hurt in any ways or angry anymore. all i want from you now is a friendship. not more than that. freedom is what we all want and i will fulfill your wish. but what i know is, for all this while i never control you at all. fuhh, what a relief. its ouhk, i will heal myself up and just move on. im looking forward right now and i dont wish to look back. im not gonna waste my time waiting for any miracle to happen if they dont wish to be with me nimore. yeah thats right. i wont let a boy making me feel down or like a world is ending. im happy right now that i have my wonderful friends around me and making me happy. thankx dudes and babes for cheering me up. after what i hear from you guys, to think back, it is true. sometimes people also lie because they think they might hurt the one they love cause they would misunderstand the situation. but telling the truth is always better than keep a secret or lie. thats unacceptable. i cant be this way anymore being someone which is totally not me. i have to be my ownself back. and hell yeah babey, the old shida is back!!!

i swear that i cant wait for tonight to go skate and drink with you guys and dye Alam's hair. so see you all later. im off to bed now. daaaa!

sad case

You know how sometimes you run into a situation where you know what to do (deep in your heart of hearts, you know) but you're still going to go the opposite way? Even tho you know you're wrong, and bad things may come from what you're choosing to do? When you could just avoid it all by doing what your heart tells you is right?


I have this situation whereby my mind and my heart say differently. Here i am being so confused and a lot of question marks on top of my head. No one can help me this time round. the only me and myself can solve this shit. Being puzzled can only cause me migrain and it feels so sucky. I wish i know what to do next but yet i'm not sure on my decision. i don't want at the end of the day, feeling so regret and distasteful.


Base on my research and google, yes, it is just a feeling. a feeling where it can control our mind physically and emotionally. nowadays my heart beat pumping so fast and it makes me feel so unsecured and uneasy. i just ask for 1 thing that can make me happy all day long. is it hard, being a truthful and honest person? in my 19 years old life till now, I'm still searching for a honesty and trustworthy person. i though he could be the one that I'm looking for among all these billions of people. yes I'm still young to think back but this is who i am. i was grown up in that way.


Sometime, i tell myself to fuck it. fuck with all this shit in my head for a moment. a moment for me to breathe the fresh air and relax my mind. whenever im being ego, the bad side of me appear. a bad side as in me being tough enough to face and feel the pain in it. 'ouch' i swear!

Like I always said,

a lie can breathe into my mouth,

and suck out all that shivers.

love can crawl beneath my skin

and make my heart resist reality.

it whispers “are you lonely?”

I answer, “I have never felt more alone

then when I am in a crowded

room”

I can crawl through the legs of lovers,

through the arms of intertwined lives

on the floor of a party where other girls

find a smile to kiss.

a smile does not find me,

through the legs of the lovers.

on hands and knees I crawl to the exit,

minus a smile

minus a lover.

dont speak anything if you cant prove it. action speak louder than words.
so prove me wrong and your correct. loving you is the best damn thing that i ever across. it is such a waste that we ended it there. do still wanting you. do still loving you. all i ever ask is to make me and our relationship happy and lively. Now you see I never thought you'd be a constant person in my life. And I don't think that you would be. Because I know you'll always love me very much. You are my hero in disguise. i just pray hard that you will soften up your heart and do something about it. But yet things went disaster.









_________________________________________________




a poem from my all time favourite writer.
i love expressing my feeling thru music, lyrics and poetry.
and i even write one too.that me! haha!
so enjoy reading it. the below one ouhk. haha!


Rocco By: Algernon Charles Swinburne

...

Time found our tired love sleeping,

And kissed away his breath;

But what should we do weeping,

Though light love sleep to death?

We have drained his lips at leisure,

Till there's not left to drain

A single sob of pleasure,

A single pulse of pain.

Dream that the lips once breathless

Might quicken if they would;

Say that the soul is deathless;

Dream that the gods are good;

Say March may wed September,

And time divorce regret;

But not that you remember,

And not that I forget.

...

Breathe close upon the ashes,

It may be flame will leap;

Unclose the soft close lashes,

Lift up the lids, and weep.

Light love's extinguished ember,

Let one tear leave it wet

For one that you remember

And ten that you forget.

tiring morning

she just called me and saying that our plan is cancel. i just though of seeing her in a pretty dress, make up on her and a well do hair done. damn, our plan has ruined due to her Boyfriend. its ok Mie i understand and i don't mind at all. as long as your happy with him and shoo, go spent time together with him while you can aite babe? AND you owe a day out with me. haha! but im still meeting Lylie in the afternoon. she is so damn petite that i have to fetch her from her briefing base on F1 thingy, gonna meet her at 4 later and im not quite sure where are we going later but we're gonna having our lunch at my aunty shop at Outram park, Pearl Centre. i shall update after i get back home. 

i need to take a break now as i took the whole night to write on my previous entry with a dictionary beside me while webcam-ing with Taufiq. haha! nighty night to me then even though it is alweady 9.04 am. haha! 

Continue...

i went out to meet Cd at the bus stop and off to City Hall to fetch our dearest pampered friend, Lylie. she had this briefing base on F1 thingy. right after the briefing around 6+, i called her. i thought it was a date for both of us but it wasn't as Cd tag along with someone. and i told Lylie not to give a fucked up face when facing him and he was someone from her past. she had no idea who it was. she cabbed to Raffles City and changed. when u she meet us, at last she know who it was. it was ken. haha! =)

Seriously, it was a long yet fun day. then cabbed to Taka, paid by me(step kaye konon). Cd wanted to treat us to Seoul Garden but to think of it, its not worth it. so, instead of eating at Seoul Garden, we head to Lucky Plaza to eat Pizza Hut. Lots of foods, and i finished mine. at last i get to eat Beef Lasagna which i had craving that for quite long time. =)

we had a good laugh, jokes after jokes, jumping around. right after dinner, we went to Cineleisure and thought of watching a movie. but all started late, Lylie had to go home early. So, we headed to arcade. they were engrossed trying to catch the cartoon character 'Domo' and hell yeah, Ken won catching it. Cd bought for us Care Bears. Sat around Taka to continue our laughter. Fir called and asking Lylie if she want him to fetch. and yeah, he send her home safely. as for the rest of us, we went to Ken's house and though of drinking. and hell yeah we drank Bacardi. That's my fun Saturday. 

just a memory to remember

I like to write. OK, that’s a lie. I need to write.

There are these moments where words gather in my head in small fractions of sentences, and they accumulate until I either put them to paper (virtual or otherwise), or hold onto them too long and start to lose them.

If I am lucky enough to be near a pen and paper / computer / eyeliner pencil and Iphone, I jot down the words and then rearrange them until they express what it is I’m thinking. usually it ends up in a less than adequate variation, but getting those words out is like. well it’s like exhaling a big sigh.

This is why I say I need to write instead of like to write. After all, we all must breath. Even when it hurts. Even when we’re hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like to write…sometimes. On days when the weather is stormy and gray with rain, and there is a nice hot fire going, and I have a perfect cup of coffee in a fat mug, and I’m wearing super comfy, soft cloths. Or on days when the sun sets and there are colors that lace the sky that I’ve never even seen in the biggest Crayola box, and it’s warm but a cool breeze gently pushes at my back, and the crickets chirp in the distance, and the lightning bugs swirl above the plush, green late summer grass. Well on these days I love to write. How could I not when the world around me is so inspiring?

But those days are few and far between, and beyond them life happens. So in the majority of the time when the day is not so conducive to creativity, or there are a million and one things that just have to get done, or I’m just being particularly lazy. well it is a chore to write. One of those things that you know before you go into it you’ll feel better when your done, and it’s the getting into it you’re having trouble with…like exercising.

When I ignore my writing it builds up in me like steam in a hot teapot. At some point it comes hissing out of me (usually also like a teapot) in loud, screeching, annoying ways. Once I recognized this fun fact about me, I decided to try to write at least once a week. I mean, sit down, turn off the TV, grab a snack, and hack it out. That is the reason for this blog.

So it begins…

If I had known those were my last moments with you,

i would have drank you in without pause or hesitation.

I would have held you closer,

inhaled deeply the scent of your neck and hair.

I would have lingered in your embrace,

not being the first to pull away for a change.

I would have looked straight into your beautiful, dark brown eyes,

and told you "I love you,"

instead of casually saying "me too" as I half ran to the road...

...always late, now it's too late.

When I caught you watching me leave I would have tilted my head and smiled so big,

watching you watch me, 

getting every second of me before I was gone...

...it always made me feel wonderful,

but as usual I rolled my eyes,

uncomfortable in being loved.

I would have spent those moments loving you as you had always loved me...

...If I had known.

the photos on my wall are meant to be keep as a memory to be remember.

stupid gerek clasmate

yesterday i received a call from Alep, my ite classmate, when im having my wonderful sleep and he scolded and shouted at me cause it was 5+ in the afternoon. i jumped out of my bed with a body aching. man i need to cut down on my sleeping hours. i sleep like a pig man!shower and get changed and im off to meet Alep, his younger brother and Mon the mate kero. haha. last i saw Mon was during school life and he quit half way thru. so its been like nearly a year? i guess so. as what Alep promised me before that he gonna treat me eat, so he did. we had our dinner at KFC and i was abit pissed with the boys cause Mon get so fetish when he see a girl. a group of girls were sitting right beside us and Alep keep disturbing Mon by saying to the girls that Mon wanna make friend, they threw food to each other and im over there like "hey guys stop ehk, sebelom aku subat burger korang kat mulut and ehk mate gie straight kan dulu ehk." ahaha. they were so pathetic and they will always be the same. aww i miss my ite life. then we went to G-Star and grabbed a tshirt. man, im so in love with the tshirt lah. so we walked to Paragon to fetch Mon's girlfriend from work and we chilled at Cineleisure as usual whenever i go out with Alep. haha. talk and talk and talk. laugh and laugh and laugh. thats all i can say. and i nearly wanna fell down as they make me laugh so badly. haha. we catch up for the last train and went back home.
as for me i went to the playground which nearby to Ika's house instead of going home straight. met her and Alam(my brother's friend), while waiting for my message, alam dosed off and left me and ika only. so we had our supper and drink. brought a few cans of booze and chilled outside 7eleven. what i meant was, there is a small park outside the 7eleven so dont get me wrong. and its not wrong aither to chill outside the shop. haha. after making myself tipsy, we both walked home. when i reached home, i tot of relaxing for awhile and dozed off but instead brother asked me to cook for his supper. damn him for making me cooked in a abit of tipsy condition eventho that he knew. grr! hiak-dish to him!
thats all folks. i haven sleep the whole night yet.i better take a rest now.

here are some of the stupid pictures with the irritating classmate!

Sucky tuesday

let me just briefing whats going on last Tuesday.i went NYP to submit my application with Didi(Irahs's BF) and Wanee.met them at ard 12+ in the afternoon and walked to NYP.wanee was late for her class and so she left us at the office. done with everything,and off we took train. he alighted at Orchard to meet Irah and i went to meet Boyfriend at his work place. chilled and accompanied him till closing. walked to riverside and talked. yes, I'm happy that i get to meet Boyfriend but nothing much bout my day. all i can said was i had a rough and sucky day. the day that i never expected had yet to come and i was kinda shocked. thank god that i prepared myself to face this day cause i had dreamt bout this thing before and it actually came true.i just pray hard to god that hopefully things gonna be like normal and i hope that we wont end it there and a little change in our relationship is good enough for me. insyallah.

pictures on my sucky day.

national day

i bet you guys know where i head to just now. of course, watching the fireworks at the padang. Firstly, i met Ika at the bus stop. then we went straight to City Hall as we were in a rushed to meet Lylie and Mimi who had been waiting for us for quite long. Reached, then had our dinner. it was full of people so we decided to sit at the entrance of Ritz Carlton Hotel to eat. then we walked all the way and we found a spot to watch the fireworks. we were standing near the padang. right after that we went to town. but before we head to town, we waited for Fir as he really wanna meet Lylie so much. and so, he came. Sat at Taka fountain and thats that. i thought of meeting Boyfriend but too bad for me that he cant make it. that was my day. but before i wanna end my entry, i just wanna say that i really had a great time you girls. its been quite so long i never had a girls day out(except for fir). so yah we must do this quite often. i really had a superb day esp the part where we all shouted and singing together. my legs are tired now. i need some rest. so before that enjoy the pictures.

chupi

i just receive a comment from a friend of mine, Chupi, at myspace.
he post me a videocam of himself singing and play in acoustic.
gees, he do have a great voice and i love that song.
psst chupi, i know you were irritated by your hair right? ahaha.
thumbs up for you but do practice more.
i will support you friend!
=)

obstacle??

It is almost half past seven in the morning. I haven't blogged in a while and the reason is simple. I didn't feel the need to. But yet now i have too. yesterday i spent my whole day sleeping so that is part of the reason too. This year has been a very trying year for me. Hurdle after hurdle. Obstacle after obstacle. After all the things I've gone through, now this. What else will fate throw at me? I know one thing is for sure. The worst is yet to come. I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel so drained. A lesser me would have given up. Lets see what other kind of shit is going to hit the fan.

First thing first as you can read under my wishlist, i managed to settle up the shit that i've been thru and the case is close. then i managed to get a job at Barossa, Esplanade which can only last me for less than a week. how can i work at the Japanese shop when me myself cant cope it eventho i was forced to give it a try. i had been thru that situation before and now it coming back to me. i did talked to my manager but things doesn't go well and i make my own decision. i took a day off by my own acknowledgement and i went to meet Boyfriend instead. yah he laughed at me when i told him the whole story. imagine that i was standing 1 corner being like a retarded person and those who im working with is also a retarded. tell me about it. working at the Barossa making me a hectic day but i like it alot as i can be my own self. i dance and sing along with the music background, i can talk welly with my costumers and im not shy at all.
even Boyfriend was shocked looking at me by the way i roll over there. grr, i miss working over there. and whats wrong with Lutfi being such a selfish towards me? ahh he forever always being a selfish and only think bout himself and lastly BOSSY! damn, i helped him for giving him a job and now he treating me like a shit. not even a appreaciated or thankful to me. why cant i ask a favour back and yet he bad mouth bout me. so much of his "DingDams" a friend in need is a friend indeed?! bullshit man you!

Secondly, i miss those time with my DDF. i know they have been busy with schooling and projects. even they themselves have no time for them. but i really wanna say thankx to Lylie and Ika for sparing their time to be there for me. dont forget lylie, you still owe me a "watch movie day" with me. ahaha. as for my little wanee boo, you dont have to worry bout me. yes, sometime i think negatively towards you that you might forget bout me or what but deep inside me, i know that you are too busy with projects, family matter and even your relationship. dont worry eventho we lack of communication, you should know that i will always there here waiting for you. and promise me that we gonna have our DDF Day aite? no boys but only me, you and Lylie. we got alot of things that need to be catch up.

Lastly, bout me and Boyfriend, after obstacle to another obstacle. and yet im still standing strong. we really need to stop with all the games that we are playing right now. im not gonna put on a revenge on you no more. the more i on the revenge the more it gonna hurt me. yes, i did hide 1 thing from you and i know it was my fault and im so sorry bout it. i do realise it and i promise you that no more secret between us and i expect you to be the same way too. you know that we like to hit each other back by putting on a revenge but it will not gonna help us or settle it up. all we need is to talk things out. i know this is a challenging relationship and im kinda like it but its not gonna help us. lets stop with all craps aye Boyfriend? and i love you more than yesterday.

some random saturday night pictures with Boyfriend. we went to drink as brother paitao us last minute to go party with him. grr i hate him for that and making us pissed.




















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