confusion

i didn't expected that things went differently, not to the path where it should be. i don't know why out of sudden i started to think of him back. something hunts on me somehow. i assume that there is something hanging lose on me and neither do i. whether it is a good or a bad thing. am i weak, disappointing or inglorious conclusion type of person? I'm not sure if what i am doing right now is the right thing to do. did he really mean what he say to me or just a fake fairytale that he create? tell me about it. he know me very well, he know how i roll and he can sense if there is something wrong happen to me. i do feel insecure at time but i told myself not to take it hard. i do sense it somehow and the soul is still in me. am i suppose to blog about this? yes, somehow i need to let it out. i can't keep it to myself any longer. im not suppose to say all this. what will kamal feel if he read this out. i have to stop hurting people and this time round, neither do i want to hurt both of them. I'm full of mysterious actions and thoughts or am i a fickle minded then. he know that he have the key to open up my heart back, but im scared of him. scared that history will repeat back. we cant accept with our own life style and to solve that we have to adapt with one another. im sorry if this shit happen again. i did it once and now, twice. i have to stop my nonsense. give me time to think all over again, will do. can we really cope with each other and change? what i realise that we have to be just in our own world only. no other people but bestfriend will do. jealously is what we are. so that lead the answer to the question. can we really compromise and an commitment in this? only god know how i feel right now. full of questions, confusion and naive. on the other hand, how about kamal? kamal been treating me in a nice way. where every girls dream to have a Boyfriend like him. i did told him about this and im glad that he understand me and letting me to do decision without him doing nothing but hoping that nothing bad gonna happen. see, how manly is he. i know the decision is in my hand but i really don't know what to do. god please help me out in this. to be honest, with my life like this, i should just concentrate on my studies and not relationship wise. why must i face this shit again. cause i'm the one who create this. sometime i just feel that im having a split personality and that is not healthy. it's killing me everyday. i cant think straight. i cant concentrate on doing things. im having nightmares. feeling sucky when i wake up and i feel like stuffing myself with food and ice cream. In life God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be.