The Photos On My Wall

2010-01-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

hey yaw people. i know I've been lately not updating any entry just yet. but eventually, I'm always updating stuffs at tumblr instead. so why not pay a visit and take a sneak peak of it. more pictures than words cause its more convenient that the pictures show the story. haha! okay, weird!

www.thesweetandsour.tumblr.com

picnic with taufiq

2010-01-24T16:37:00.001-08:00

hey, i guess im back on track right now. im sorry for not updating any post lately cause i've been busy with school projects and meeting Taufiq. and last thursday i had a great fun awesome day, picnic with him at Botanic Garden. surprisingly, he came to my house to wake me up and we cooked spegetti together. for the first time a man whom i love cook in my kitchen. haha. i swear mama was shocked!

when we reached there, we found a perfect spot, a good scenery for us to sit. despite of the passing cloud, eventually it didn't stop us from having fun. we sat under the shelter and had our chit chat and laughter. the rain stop, and we walked to the bus stop and off we headed to town to survey on his skate shoe. then we decided to go to City Hall and chill at Padang. but half way through, he had a bad fever and i decided to cab back to his place and let him rest. so thats it for the day.

PS: Dear Taufiq, thanks for making it real and i was shocked that you really came. it was so special that i counldn't afford to lose you. i swear that my heart will never close for you to enter. futhermore, i think i know the answer to all my heart. im sorry for what i did and i swear im no longer being like that. thanks for giving me a chance to prove it to you that im playing my part to show you my love. no more giving you shit and nonsence but yet im giving you the love and care. im ready enough to go through thick and thin togethere with you. i love you Sunshine.

Im Trying

2010-01-16T02:35:00.001-08:00

the feeling of lonely, disappointed and sucky is controlling me now and sometime its getting on my nerve. i did tried many ways to forget bout him and avoid that feeling. especially during at night where i cant sleep. so i tend to go out with my friends and accompany them, playing longboard, skating, photo shots, fly kite, and other activities. after doing all those activities, somehow i know i will be very tired and sleepy, so when i reach home, straight away i will dozed off. if im in school, i will try to concentrate on it and study hard. see how hard i try my best to get myself busy with life and not to think of anything which rushing through my ditsy mind. it bottles up to much that i get myself insecure, douth and naive.

love is a big word and i think that i cant get myself to fall in love again with someone else. i might like someone but to fall for it, i have douth on it. im scared and forbia. scared of getting myself hurt again and have this kind of feeling. it hurts to deep that i hardly breathe and stand up strong. my friends encounter alot of shit in relationship and after hearing it, i bacame scared. how how how?

being alone

2010-01-14T05:51:00.000-08:00

my mom did told me once that sometimes the person that you really love alot, you have to let it go. but what if my mind say that i can change it and make it last till i die? i started to fall bits by bits into the drain and get drown. am i making the world most biggest mistake ever, of letting him go and never to return again? i know i've been being so ego and selfish, perhaps that is my mistake and am i feeling regret about it? i dont know. im puzzled and having a break down. dear god, please help me to stand up back and go to the correct path back. amin.

love destroy

2010-01-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

When your heart has been broken and stepped on,
It leaves you hesitant and reluctant to try.
To give in once more, to open up to emotion,
To dip your toe into the mire into the ocean of desire.
To dip your toe into the ocean of unknown emotion.
If you don’t enter the water, you wont get wet.
There is no danger of being dragged under.
Should you take a chance on love again?
Throw caution to the wind,
Open yourself up to the pain or the pleasure.
Feel the love washing over you,
Immersing yourself.
The waves washing over you,
It may drown you if you do.
If you resist the temptation, you will be safe.
Unharmed in your segregation yet a single moment spent.
In the refreshing waters,
Stood on the ocean floor is worth a lifetime
Spent safely on the shore.

to cut it short

2010-01-11T15:37:00.000-08:00

Hey, I'm back. miss me? haha.
okay let me get things straight and short. I'll shall just elaborate things that i had done lately and let the pictures do the talking too. enjoy! =)

As promised with my gfs to spent time together on last Saturday, we went to town. supposedly, we have to chill out with Susanti but then she was out with Sham and his girlfriend to City Hall. late night after meeting Taufiq for awhile and Abg, we headed to Boat Quey to meet them. unexpectedly, the guys were there with her. instead of going to home club, we went to Zouk's carpark and had our own carpark party again.

On Saturday i went to Zouk with Taufiq and his friends. thanks for everything dude, i really appreciate everything and i had a fun night with you. this is like a first time party together with you at Zouk. that is a sweetest and fun memory for me to keep in my mind. thanks Taufiq Mustaffa.

Happy 24th birthday Azeer. so old already, yet you don't act like one.
still fooling around. hehehe. Fetch Taufiq and Azeer from work and off we went to Arab St for our supper and Seesha session. =)

My 2010 countdown celebration held at Silosa car park.
how was it? Awesome. just think of the bright side, at least i had fun with my friends and along with my dearest Ika. sorry Lylie, you wasn't there with us. And as for Taufiq, I'm sorry baby i couldn't get to celebrate with you.

new year resolution

2009-12-22T16:10:00.001-08:00

I know this looks like i've completely abandoned this blog and probably my New Year's Resolutions with them. its really not the case.

Im still working hard on those goals and creating the work habits and attitudes that i need to reach those goals. I've just been swamped with my day school and haven't taken the time to write.

I'm making an exception today because i want to use writing to reinforce something that just continues to sink in. i complain way too much. its funny because i always considered myself a non-complainer. my mom used to say i was 'easy to have around', 'easy to please'. and in many ways i am. i think compared to the national average, i probably complain less than average and am a more optimistic and upbeat person than average.

BUT... i still complain WAY too much. i complain about the complainers. i complain about someone sending me a note that makes no sense. i often complain only in my mind and my DDF, but that is still mental cycles bing spent in a negative way.

One of the book that i've been reading to, and i cant remember which one to give them credit, makes the point that a complaint is focusing on what you dont like, but what you should focus on is what you do want, which is your preferences. now, its easy to think that restating a complaint as a preferences might be easy and useful.

Okay a brand new year is coming soon and yet im still figure out on my New Year Resolution. i don't know if i should make a list out of it cause every single damn bloody year i don't resolve any of it. as what i see, a very sucky year indeed. im not complaining nor ungreatful of the days that were given. but this year i was brought nothing but bad luck for myself. Seldom, i get a bright colourful day. the only part that i felt blessful was my school application and right away i continue my studies. and lasty, i shall not whinning again about the bad things that had happened to me before. lets put the past behind and look forward for the futere aite?

So for now, the top of my list is to study hard, achieve on my goals and make my parents proud of me. take a very good care of my family, DDF and not forgotten, ME! no more making and getting myself into troubles and sacrifises on something which is not worthy. a new leaf and chemistry. a brand new year with a brand new book.

I need to get back to my school project, but i'm really working hard to reduce complaints and to state what my preference would be instead.

Wishing everyone well with their resolutions.
=)

boring saturday night

2009-12-20T06:19:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting much. I often THINK blog posts, but I don't seem to be near the computer when I think them. Am I still committed to my goals even though I'm not writing about them every day?

Yes, absolutely.

P.S. You might say this isn't much of a blog post, but I felt the longer I waited to post, the more significant a post I had to write. I was running the risk of getting in a vicious cycle and falling out of my habit of writing at least a few times each week.

But now with this silly, simple post, I'm back to writing again.
=)

its all about khai

2009-12-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

See the food above? That's what we, Ika, Lylie, Khai and myself had for dinner last night. Khai invited us to his HUGE house and seriously if i were to live in that kind of big house, i'm sure i'll get stress on where should i sit. Upon reaching his house, straight away we went into his kitchen and get something to cook. In between of it, i went to show them a big beautiful house just right behind of his place and i swear im loving it so much. i wish that is mine. walked around his place through and forth like my own house. Right after dinner, we played Guitar Hero and Lylie was just sitting and watch us play. We went haywire cause of the game and every of us kept laughing non stop. Then, head back home. That's my day and i ejoyed it. thanks Khai for the invite. =)

star gazing

2009-12-15T13:03:00.000-08:00

on last Saturday, instead of going to zouk out, i went out with DDF to town. it was nothing much at first till around mid night, we decided to chill at Scape and had our stupid nonsense singing session. walked around town after that and finally we found another spot to continue the session. and seriously the three of us spent all of our cash on food! we ate alot and yet we are still hungry. haha!

we took night rider back to Bedok and had our star gaze at Bedok Reservior Jetty. we had such a romantic lovely night. the hot topic of the day was, when will we wanna get marry, and the first person was gonna be Lylie. babe, i guess kite makan nasi minyak kao dulu lah. haha! we stayed there all the way and we went off at around 8 in the morning.

Btw, i had a great night with Lylie and Ika. and like finally, the three of us get to star gaze together and had our girls talk. more communication and spenting time among us. eventhough things has been such a hard for me, but yet they were there for me, standing strong and happily together. i love you girls alot =)

2009-12-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas, they live in one another still. for they must needs be present, that love and live in that which is omnipresent. in this divine glass they see face to face; and their converse is free, as well as pure. this is the comfort of friends, that through they may be said to die, yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense, ever present, because immortal.

i have been careless, and so have been thwarted by luck and chance, those wreckers of all but the best laid plans. but i know better now. i understand those things that i did not understand before. i know where am i standing now and whom I'm with which isLylie and Ika . I'm glad that things are getting straight now and better in mentality. lets stop bragging about it and move on to the next topic that I'm gonna tell.

this week was such a hectic week for me. as i was busy with school projects and study for my test, and mostly spending my time with the two lovely girls till i don't even have time for myself to rest and have a proper sleep. wow, this is what i called, compromising time management. with my own acknowledgement,I'm glad that even though i don't have enough time for it, i actually was there for them and went out together. and plus, meeting Taufiq too after school and even on his off day with the girls. who say that we cant go out together without touching any books? we even have our own study date okay. haha.

miss me?

2009-12-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Missed me? hehe.

A lot of things had happened lately, top it all, I'm super duper uber TIRED AND SLEEPY. Due to that I'm having fever, flu and cough. oh my, i need a super duper uber REST.

Right now, I'm screwed with my NX5 programming. totally, & my model design, i haven't touch it yet! Double screwed! how how how. All the proposals done, but all comes down to the presentation & the submission projects. Triple screwed! LOL! Next semester, double the workload for NX5, erghhh.

In the middle of the term test exams, i got into the top 20% in my cohort(not overall yet). I was happy, many opportunities ahead of me. That's a good start being in a polytechnic though, Nanyang Polytechnic is stressful. Too many projects, but too little time. Hmm, how that sounds? Ironic.

First thing first, i was late for school just now cause last night i was doing my project and i slept at around 9 in the morning even though my whole body was aching and tired. Me and Zul were walking to school and we bumbed into Wanee and Ting Yi. so we had our smoke break together while Zul went into the school without me and left me outside. Here are some random pictures taken in school just now. so that explain why, there's a sad face on me. =(

Well, other than that, i went out to town with Dearest Lylie, to release our stress out. we had our dinner at KFC and tought of watching movie after that. but things changed after Alep text me saying that he wanna joined us. headed to Gloria Jeans and had few glasses there.

Other then that, i had a dinner date with dearest Lylie at Fish & Co, Love. a treat from her and that is so sweet and touched. thanks Lylie.

seriously i need to shop and get myself everything from head to toe and to the inside as well. haha! here are the list:

- leather dark blue sling bag
- Manhattan Portage black Dakota bag pack(for sch)
- dark blue slim jeans
- converse hi cut sneaker
- black studded vest
- more tops && dresses
- dark blue jeans

yup that's all in the list now. and yet i still feels like there is something missing in my shop list. i wonder what will that be.

2009-12-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Missed me? hehe.

A lot of things had happened lately, top it all, I'm super duper uber TIRED AND SLEEPY. Due to that I'm having fever, flu and cough. oh my, i need a super duper uber REST.

Right now, I'm screwed with my NX5 programming. totally, & my model design, i haven't touch it yet! Double screwed! how how how. All the proposals done, but all comes down to the presentation & the submission projects. Triple screwed! LOL! Next semester, double the workload for NX5, erghhh.

In the middle of the term test exams, i got into the top 20% in my cohort(not overall yet). I was happy, many opportunities ahead of me. That's a good start being in a polytechnic though, Nanyang Polytechnic is stressful. Too many projects, but too little time. Hmm, how that sounds? Ironic.

Well, other then that, i had a dinner date with dearest Lylie at Fish & Co, Love. a treat from her and that is so sweet and touched. thanks Lylie.

okay stop with the school stuffs. it really annoyed me cause when i think about school, it will always remind me of my projects.

seriously i need to shop and get myself everything from head to toe and to the inside as well. haha! here are the list:

- leather dark blue sling bag
- Manhattan Portage black Dakota bag pack(for sch)
- dark blue slim jeans
- converse hi cut sneaker
- black studded vest
- more tops && dresses
- dark blue jeans

yup that's all in the list now. and yet i still feels like there is something missing in my shop list. i wonder what will that be.

poeple who disagree on your changes.

2009-11-28T17:43:00.000-08:00

i just encounter another situation whereby people whom disagree about your life and your circumstances. why do some people has to say or react in a way that they cant accept the changes in you, changing into someone better and benefit. isn't that is what every person is looking forward for?

for an example, the prisoners were given a yellow ribbon from the outsiders which they believe that they can change and given another chance in life. so in general, if bad people can change into a good or a better person, why cant others give them a chance to let them roll and live. I'm not trying to say in other terms. i know its kinda confusing but try to get what i mean.

i know that i do behave and react nonsense in the past but at least I'm not as bad as what you expected. i am a grown up person now who thinks about my future, my goals and my achievement. why cant they let us be happy, or stop making our life miserable and leave it hanging lose? it's already bottles up too much that, its overcome, hurts that person, or indirectly towards the other. its not like I'm being a paranoia but just felt insecure and unappreciated.

i'll give you a sitaution. what if you look upon a person which you took him as a example, a good adviser and whom wakes you up on your long sleep but ending up, it fall into the drain. how does it feels like to be left alone and leave it hanging lose. disappointed ain't it? the best out of it is actually,... think. THINK AND FEEL(here i go again). why do you need to have doubt on the person where you know it from your heart that they has change into someone better. where is the faith all gone to, into the drain too i guess. all you believe was, is she really change for the time being or is it for real. now you tell me about it.

i guess i am getting further far away from the truth. or was i?

life of fantasy

2009-11-26T13:47:00.000-08:00

life is full of fantasy or should i say, fairytale. everyone will encounter the same shit but in a different kind of way. somehow our ups and downs will encircle by its own. after knowing and observing others, i realise that they were just blinded by the people who is being cared and loved, the people who is standing right in front of you. those people which is not important tend to be standing beside you with open hands and along with their main purpose on it. acting or being like a ignorance. they can be as evil as you can't imagine. how evil can they be without feeling any guilty nor hard feelings. confusing ain't it? somehow on the other hand, they started to fade away from us and disappear after we realise. within it we felt regret and neglected.

summarising, I'm stress and I'm still searching and figure out something that is rushing through my ditsy mind which felt so uneasy and insecure. i don't know why but i just felt that way. if only i have a chance to rewind it back, but then again like i say before my consciousness gets over me. i still cant figure it out what was happening in me even thought i sought it through again. i was sure i was kinda frustrated for some unknown reasons which indescribable. am i thinking too much on my soul searching? i guess so. is it wrong for me to idle around and get myself trouble with everything that's in my mind? I'm just scared that I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. in the beginning, where should i start? seriously, I'm lost and puzzled. only god knows how i felt right now and no one else could. I'm saved from the undesirable. Furthermore I'm still idle around even though i have my wonderful bestfriend. I'm glad that she's still standing strong right in front of me and who believe and have faith in me. girl, i love you like loads =)

guess, i am still way far from the truth.

seesha

2009-11-26T11:39:00.000-08:00

I went to study with Taufiq at National Library, but unfortunately, Lylie and her date, Azhar tag along. i really couldn't concentrate that much as they were making noises and web-caming among them but they did do their project and read comics though. our stomach started to make noises and trembled, so we went off to have our dinner at Tong Seng instead. then we headed to the shopping mall and went to take a look at the bag that we wanted to buy and off we went to Arab Street for seesha. they went home at ard 11 plus while me and Taufiq still wondered around on where to go next. so we decided to drop by his place and get booze-ing. haha! thats it for today. nothing much. =)

middle of nowhere

2009-11-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Anyways, it's been a month since school open. i'm tired + always been sleepy. i have many things to cover, due to next week i have many quiz, lab tests and A Maths tests coming up! goshh... and guess what, just now i just did one of the class test and i did badly for Domain and Range cause i was concentrated more on the Functions and Graphs but overall i did it with satisfaction. i hope i did well for this paper. *InsyaAllah*

- 2 Quiz
- 3 test papers of A-Math
- NX5 3d project
- Business Engineering project and presentation
- Research on object for my 3d model

Oh there you go, a list of things i need to do. and not to forget my programming tutorial which kinda confusing at times. Oh well, i hope i can cope all this in few weeks time. My batt is on 12/12, i think I'm overloaded with knowledge. haha.

~~
okay lets stop talking about school and more about what had happened around me lately. eversince that incident crashed into my ditsy mind, i've never been stop thinking about it. i've experienced quite a number of things in life, sometimes, it doesnt feel right. somewhere... within... i've sought some things through, with my ownself, i wasn't sure what was happening in me. i was sure i was kinda, .. let's say frustrated for some unknown reasons. if it ever gets overboard, i don't even know if i still have the chance to rewind it back again. but then again, my consciousness gets over me. i'm saved from the undesirable. i admit, i do make mistakes, i'm a human afterall. but, those mistakes makes you think back, and realise what's the truth behind it. i wasn't sure of what's love. it's sure a big word to able to describe in a way or another. most importantly, to love myself before i love others. sometimes, you ponder upon your past that was never yours. it was just, perhaps, a test? this seems formal, lol, hmm.. basically, i've known so much in life since i'm in poly and step back and walked away from my outside world. the ups and downs, those who actually trusted you or even used you. none would believe, or does believe, or just barely believe. none feels the way i felt. the way of my everyday life in poly. the way i had to stand up on my own feet and tried my very best. the way how the people would think about me but in the end acknowledge me of myself. knowing that something about me that just won't fit into the public, but i tried my very best to show them what i can be by my own. yet i've achieved something for myself. ^_^

Not back to myself, but yet into someone better.
In life God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be.
Guess, i'm still far away from truth. or was i?

PS: to my dearest lylie, you are most welcome. sometimes we do need that kind of talks. what a bestfriend is for. afterall, after talking to you, i do felt abit relief. and thanks for the advice. don't you ever worry that im gonna leave you. you are a friend that i most treasure and love alot! =)

freaky saturday

2009-11-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, i went to Lasalle with Khai and Eric to watch this performance called, Siren - A Contemporary Cabaret. oh my i still do remember when was the last time i went to watch a musical, like 4 years back. let me elaborate more about the show. Siren brings you an evening of sea tales and contemporary song in a relaxed cabaret setting. For centuries explorers, refugees and travelers have been lured by mystical sirens into liquid love affairs with the ocean. Some sail safely to new horizons with dreams of new homelands fulfilled, while others mysteriously perish.
so in general, i gave them thumbs up for the performance and the musical is awesome! thanks guys for inviting me and i like it alot. do invite me when there is another musical aite.

Saturday's Chalet

okay, firstly my Saturday turned out to be yucky and disgraceful. i didn't expected that things gonna be worst and disaster. i went to Kid's chalet as its been so long last i met them and surprisingly Mac and Dudd were there. so i thought of going there to chill. at first things went so great till someone make me pissed and totally a turn off on him. his stink and his behaving like a small kid and i swear his stupid pathetic "god brother" called me and saying stupid stuffs but yet still i talked to him in a nice way. whats wrong with people nowadays, when someone talk in a good manner yet they has to respond in a unhealthy way. disrespectful. so the "matreps" arrg! due to that i cabbed back home at around 2 am. sorry guys, that i left just like that and sorry bout the incident. i never ask for it, i swear. I'm so shy to meet you guys again. seriously. and thanks for the that day.

a change in me perhaps?

2009-11-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

its been a while for not updating my blog and i think now is the time to do it as this is the only free time that i have. as you can see, I've been busy studying and i need to concentrate on it as my up coming quiz and class test is coming soon! its a good thing that I'm busy with something good rather than just rotting outside doing nothing. I'm glad that i choose a right path of my life, to further up my study. i wanna share a great news. daddy just brought for me a lappy for school stuffs and i was shocked that he gave me a fully support. thanks abah i love you like loads! okay i wanna share another thing and let it out that rushing through my disty mind.

Have you ever wonder why sometimes your in a tight situation? Nobody, not even a soul could actually feels what you felt. Everyone has its own kind of emotions rushing through & forth like a never ending tale but, what happens if it bottles up too much that, its overcome, hurts that person, or even indirectly towards the other. It's not like i'm being a paranoia but, then again, a blog is to be written what the blogger has to say. Be it, emotionally, or criticism. It's a freedom of speech though, some might think it's a weak movement but do they really know whats actually gushed through my disty brain?

At times, my core of mine do say some things that actually doesn't make any sense till i embraced it in a way or another. It seems like i'm unable to understand some things that's happening, it makes me confuse yet making me stronger. You would rather approach a case by case basis or making it a clear cut? This sounds confusing ain't it? Okay, i'm laughing at myself now. If you agreed, how sensible. I'm not just stating out some 'unpredictable insights' but, toying around with what's in my mind. Get the idea? Guess, it's rather slim.

I'll give you a situation. you're stuck with your own credibility of both finest thoughts & emotions, also actions and patience do speak on it's own. The best out of it, you could actually, .. think. THINK AND FEEL. It encircle you with different positions, be it a view, still within it, there would be couple of it gushed through your spine like never before. All you believe was, is this what you call life? therefore, i'm done with my confusion state. no more thinking about what had happened and i choose the right decision that i made. the only thing that i have to do now is to buck up on myself, i mean i need to change everything that i roll and behave. no more being cheeky and stuffs. okay i do admit that. gees! I'm doing all that, just not for the sake of someone but to myself also. i cant lie to myself no more. i need to do some soul searching. im taking about my future now. time is clicking so fast and as days goes by, we are getting older. till when am i gonna be like this. i need time to change and time will tell. i really hope that the loved one and my bestfriend support me. InsyaAllah.
~~ DDF, tell me who doesn't want to see a change in me? tell me about it ~~

sch & town

2009-11-18T16:50:00.000-08:00

today school was okay. the lesson doesn't bore me but yet i manage to complete every mini projects early as what i expected. so Zul and i decided to take a smoke break instead. continued and move on to another project and yet again we ended so quick. our computers shut down at 9pm while the others were still struggling. i took train to town to meet Alep and had our dinner at KFC while waiting for Taufiq, end's his work. we chilled and planning on what to do next, and Alep kept pasturing us to go to Tampines to meet Wan and Ika for our supper. its been quite sometime last i had my supper outside with friends. had a rojak mama, shared with Taufiq. all of us were bloated and we decided to take a break and relax near to my estate. at around 4am me and Taufiq walked slowly to my block and sit opposite it. we had a long chit chat and some agreements. now to make things easier for us, we have to understand each other. and this is what we are doing right now. you must be wondering why am i still awake and blog during this hour. the reason is, today i got NO class. woohoo! but at night i have to study as tomorrow i have class quiz. too bad for me then. =(

stupid mat2 posing!

confusion

2009-11-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

i didn't expected that things went differently, not to the path where it should be. i don't know why out of sudden i started to think of him back. something hunts on me somehow. i assume that there is something hanging lose on me and neither do i. whether it is a good or a bad thing. am i weak, disappointing or inglorious conclusion type of person? I'm not sure if what i am doing right now is the right thing to do. did he really mean what he say to me or just a fake fairytale that he create? tell me about it. he know me very well, he know how i roll and he can sense if there is something wrong happen to me. i do feel insecure at time but i told myself not to take it hard. i do sense it somehow and the soul is still in me. am i suppose to blog about this? yes, somehow i need to let it out. i can't keep it to myself any longer. im not suppose to say all this. what will kamal feel if he read this out. i have to stop hurting people and this time round, neither do i want to hurt both of them. I'm full of mysterious actions and thoughts or am i a fickle minded then. he know that he have the key to open up my heart back, but im scared of him. scared that history will repeat back. we cant accept with our own life style and to solve that we have to adapt with one another. im sorry if this shit happen again. i did it once and now, twice. i have to stop my nonsense. give me time to think all over again, will do. can we really cope with each other and change? what i realise that we have to be just in our own world only. no other people but bestfriend will do. jealously is what we are. so that lead the answer to the question. can we really compromise and an commitment in this? only god know how i feel right now. full of questions, confusion and naive. on the other hand, how about kamal? kamal been treating me in a nice way. where every girls dream to have a Boyfriend like him. i did told him about this and im glad that he understand me and letting me to do decision without him doing nothing but hoping that nothing bad gonna happen. see, how manly is he. i know the decision is in my hand but i really don't know what to do. god please help me out in this. to be honest, with my life like this, i should just concentrate on my studies and not relationship wise. why must i face this shit again. cause i'm the one who create this. sometime i just feel that im having a split personality and that is not healthy. it's killing me everyday. i cant think straight. i cant concentrate on doing things. im having nightmares. feeling sucky when i wake up and i feel like stuffing myself with food and ice cream. In life God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be.

Picture

2009-11-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

The day when Lia was in Singapore and along with Ken, Alip and Taufiq.

Boy's day out to bar with me along.

Happy Halloween!

study date, drinking and shopping

2009-10-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

PART 1
its been nearly a year of not schooling and studying, so i need to refresh my brain. i had a study date with Kamal at National Library and half way through, we went to SMU to continue study. book closed at 8.30pm and we had our dinner at Funan, KFC. we ate alot and our stomach was bloated. i felt like having a Hoegarden. instead of him not to let me drink, he brought for me a bottle. we chilled out at Esplanade and had a great time talking and laughing with him. eventhough we spent the whole day and night together alone, but yet it's not enough for us and instead we took the last bus back to Tampines and decided to stay up the whole night. we had our supper at coffee shop nearby my place. came along Alam and Aizat coincidentally and joined us. we dont mind at all as long as we are there for each other.

PART 2
Last two days, as promised, Kamal supposed to fetch me from school but school ended early and he just reached home from skating. so i decided to drop by Toa Payoh and had my dinner there. we took the last bus and went back to Tampines again. and again we had our supper at the same coffee shop with Dudd and his girlfriend. while walking to the place where we always chill, he gave me something which no guys have ever give me,it is just for my expenses and shopping. seriously i was shocked and speechless. Apul and Ika tag us along and cabbed to Telepark for our drinking session. gees, it has been ages i never go to that place. open a bottle and few cans of beers. drinking session ends at 6am as Kamal has to rush home and get change to go to work. so every of us cabbed back home.

PART 3
Today, i went out with Ika to bugis to collect our Mac Book and buy something which is on my shop list. with the money that Kamal gave me, i brought for him 3 pieces of boxer and a watch that he lost it before. and as for myself, 3 pairs of undergarments, 2 dresses, 1 long sleeve t-shirt, a side-zip denim jacket and Agnes B tote bag. waahhh!!! dah lame tak shopping babe! and i cant wait for my YSL handbag as what mommy promised me. then we headed back to Tampines to meet Alam and had our dinner at the same coffee shop AGAIN. chilled out at our usual place while waiting for Kamal and Apul to come from work. at 3am, mommy know that Kamal coming over to my place for shower and for his supper. so every of them decided to tag along just for the sake of food. cause they were damn hungry! -__-" i was pity looking at Kamal when he was sleeping and i can see that he is so damn tired. so i just let him sleep on my legs while all of us busy watching movie online at our lappy. everyone went off at 7am and i wakes him up for him to go to work. but instead he text me saying that he went home first to take some stuffs. and here i am now updating what had happened lately. okay, im off to bed now as i have to wake up early for school. today class start 6 and im surpose to meet my classmate at 5.30. so nighty night to me then. =)

first day of school.

2009-10-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dreams do come true at last. i wanted to further up my studies at Nanyang Poly and i did. Monday was my first day of school. i was walking around the whole school to find my class and i was lost. so i stopped by and sat at the branches. one of my classmate walked pass me and i decided to follow him from behind. haha! i make friends with the two men and sat with them in the lecture room.

oh my, on my first day of school, i'll already stress out! studying, learning and making myself to understand A Maths. and seriously i need a secondary school A Maths exercise book. school ended at 9.30 pm and im off to meet Kamal at Toa Payoh. Actually he have to fetch me from school but due to something, i have to go there instead. we took bus and off we went to Tampines to have our supper and chilled with our friends at PG. okay thats it for my Monday blues.

PS: seriously i miss my Lylie and Hazira like lots.

kamal thingy

2009-10-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

For the past three days, continuously, I've been going out to town and stayed out till morning with Kamal and his friends. i accompanied him shopping for his skate stuffs, karaoke-ing and watched him skating at Somerset Skate Park. i had fun on the first day as we went to karaoke at cash studio with his friends. watching and laughing at his friends when they were dancing and fooling around like a monkey. hilarious bro, haha! skate ton with them and making new friends of his. eventhough some of his friends, i already knew. the most irritating part when going out with them is during their "BLACKSHOT" time. oh my, they can just spent hours for that lan game and when he was concentrating on that game, he can just forget bout me. boys duhh, haha! the most unforgetable part but yet funny is when we fell down from his skateboard when he wants to carry me at town. haha! idiot, his friends, Baby and Apul laughing their ass off at us. and lasty, the best part of all, i get to spent the equality time with my dearest Kamal. =) the fact is, eventhough i knew him for the past 3 years, i didn't know that his the person that fun to hang out with, very open minded, i can be myself, never fail to make me laugh, talk craps with him, running around, spank each other's butt, wrestling with each other and never fail to call me baby(aww i like it when he calls me that) and saying to his friends that im his Girlfriend but actaully we are not offically together.

so that three continuosly days, i went out with him, accompanied him and he send me home. at the end of the day, he gave me a call and i started to talk crap with him till he felt sleepy. i just hope that what i have right now never have a ending. i want it to continue till it can. im tired of the things that had happened to me before, so i hope the history never repeat it again.
In life God doesn't give you the people you want. Instead, He gives you the people you need. To teach you, to hurt you, to love you, and make you exactly the way you should be

~finger crossing~

my 19th birthday!

2009-10-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Happy 19th Birthday to me.

Thanks guys for the surprise party and the presents! i really do like it alot.

and Fir, seriously that was my first time a guy brought for me a jewelery and i really appreciate that alot and im gonna wear it. same goes to others. thankx for the wish and everything. i love you guys. the thought that count! eventhough i know that my birthday gonna be like the normal birthday that i've been through, this time round im standing strong and letting go of it without no hestition. the best present that i ever got from Afiz was, he wanna end our relationship on the day itself. he went missing on that day and ending up i saw him on the road at Tampines with a extra helmet with him and he was dressing nice enough to impress a girl. so he dropped by where we celebrate it and i was pretending to act normal infront of my friends cause i dont want to spoil the plan and their effort. after all that, we went off to Bedok Reservior Jetty and sat there with him. we had a big talked and without no doubt, he wants to end our relationship. i kept quite and i told him that i wanna go home. he send me back home and he left without saying anything. but hey its okay. at least i do have my friends around me. losing a friend like him is not worth at all cause after getting to know a person like him, other girls can go crazy and left him but thankx god im too patient bout it but instead i was ditch by him. thanks =)

PS: If you think that you dont want to give it to me as a present in the first place, you shouldn't be too confident to tell me and tell someone that you want it back. buruk siku benar!

AND i decided not to choose either one of them. im not turning back to Taufiq!

Sometimes

2009-10-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...
Sometimes I just want the ideal. I want a guy who'll call me late at night just to hear my voice. I want a guy who'll be walking down the street and pick a bunch of flowers to remind me that summer, surf, fun and loving are on their way. I want a guy who'll send me poetry, whether he writes it or quotes it. I want a guy whose idea of a great night out is a secluded spot on a beach, under the stars, or listening to the whisper of trees in the wind, while lying on our backs in the grass. I want a guy who plays sport and who understands that weekends aren't just for parties. I want a guy whose idea of a holiday is escaping the noise of the city, and getting back to basics, not just expensive, pampered, lazy days. I want a guy who'll smile at me, just to see me smile in return. I want a guy who smiles when he sees me holding a child in my arms, so one who checks his back pocket for prophylactics. I want a guy who give those dreamy love songs new meaning. I want a guy who'll keep my photo on his dresser and his wallet. I want a guy who'll make me laugh out loud for no reason, just because life is good because he loves me. I want a guy who sees a beautiful sunset and wishes I was there beside him. I want a guy who believes that friendship comes first, in any relationship. I want a guy who won't tell me to call back later because the footy's on. I want a guy who'll show me respect, even in front of his friends. Even when we're alone. I want a guy who hopes for forever, but lives for each day. I want a guy who'll tell everyone he loves me. I want a guy who knows what I mean, and listens to what I say. I want a guy who loves me with all his heart. I want a guy who wants me.
Sometimes.

My knees start to shake,
When you’re in sight.
My mind is filled with wonder,
My heart with fright.

When will this feeling stop?
When did it start?
How can I listen to my mind,
Without breaking my heart?

I’m so confused.
What should I do?
I can’t think of anything except you and you.

Should I ignore you,
Or just give it time?
I can’t think straight,
My heart controls my mind.

raye with frens!

2009-10-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

confused!!!

2009-10-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

i know its been quite sometimes i never update. such a hectic life right now. i need to be there for family, Afiz, Taufiq, friends and even for myself. i promised to my mom that im not gonna fool around once school is open and no more late night parties and stuffs. it will only happen on my weekends. so i left like 2 more weeks to enjoy. and i need to prove my dad for the best of me and my behavior just for the sake of me getting my bike lessen and a Vespa for myself. ouhk fine, im the most pampered among my siblings. haha =)

as for now, im completely confused with this two guys. Taufiq have been showing me his best that he already change and wanted to be with me back. he will always give me a surprise visit and thank god when he came over, i was at home. as for Afiz, i do find him a nice sweet guy and his being gentlemen enough of letting me go back to Taufiq. it is not because of sympathy but he is just a nice good person for me, where else, i need to see and observe if Taufiq really change. yes for now i do realise the changes in him. but for how long will he be like that. i just dont want history to repeat back. i do still love Taufiq thou but in this case i can't have the two of them in the same time. i do need to think wisely bout this and not to be regret with my decision. seriously, sometime i just think that i dont want to be with neither the two of them and just be me. i just want to be with my family and friends and just concentrate on my studies and have fun. hey, we only live once. what am i gonna do now? im speechless and brainless. all i ever want now is to be by myself. am i being hesitating on this? please god, show me what is best for me...

basically i left 2 more weeks to have fun and party my ass all out. as im going to poly soon, i have to make my parents proud of me and it is worth of paying the school fees. *my dad just scared if half way thru, i quit school* haha! cut the crap~~ im gonna be a bookworm back and always busy at home study. =)

=(

2009-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

fish n co

2009-09-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

i had a dinner date with Fir and Lylie, "threesome is awesome" at Fish & Co which i had craving for that for quite sometime. and then we went to Town to find a dress for the up coming Sunday but due to that something else caught my eyes. a black military jacket. and i grabbed it instead. hahaha! then came along Mimi after that. shopping, blah blah blah and off to Tampines to meet the rest at Telepark. had our "booze on parade" again and this time round it was just a random night where else all of our friends joining us. haha! really had fun thou and senang cakap lah ehk, kecoh sia! hahaha! thats it. nothing much to elaborate.

hari raye

2009-09-22T03:04:00.000-07:00

Second Day Of Raye!

First day of Raye!

malam raye!

2009-09-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

it was a last min plan that all of us decided to go to geylang bazaar instead. all of us shopping kueh, cake and foods. basically things on munchy. me and mimi bought bunge api. and we went off back to Tampines and chilled at Telepark. maen bunge api kat sane and had a wonderful night with them. =) so let the pic do the talking.

ban, dendeng and rocket!!!

2009-09-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

its been long time i never meet my wonderful bestie during my ite time, Ban which he was also my classmate. had a great time with him talking and laughing and cope with each other stories. there was alot of things that we wanna share. meet him at town and had our breakfast at Taka. and off to meet Lylie and Fir at Ct Hall. i had a fun time criticise and bully Lylie with Fir while Ban just sitting there laughing his ass off. haha! sorry babe, it was just a joke. =)
the crazy couple went off early as Lylie promised her sister to play bunge api and left the both of us alone. had our personal talk and shit. but all i say is, i had a great time with Ban. i really do miss him alot and miss talking nonsense and criticise at Talib together and making fun of people ans stuffs. his the person who have been there for me during school time and i do still remember when i cried in the toilet and he just chased after me and went into the girl's toilet just to console me. and never failed to be there during my family occasion, selling and promoting Tupperware to my mom. haha! boy Tupperware, tu kekek sak! haha! with our teacher also he selling it ouhk. haha! i really miss my ite days and my freaking irritating classmate of mine. i hope i day we have our reunion and be back last time. =)

Afiz went to geylang with his friends and we didn't get to meet up as i wanna go to town instead cause i know there will be so stuffy and crowded. pity him! haha! when i was in the train on my way back to Tampines, he called me saying that he brought for me the dendeng that Ive been craving for. aww, so thoughtful and sweet of him. i didn't expected that he gonna buy for me or even think of me, that i have been craving for it. its been quite sometime that a guy is thinking of me when they went out with his friends and instead he buy for me something that i wanted/craving. that is very thoughtful of him and its hard to find a nice guy nowadays. i really appreciate that! then i asked him to alight at Kallang and meet me at the platform for awhile. gees, he looks so cute and hug-able haha! he pass me that and i was kinda surprised and happy at the same time, feeling like hugging him for that. hehe! my train had arrived and im off to Telepark to meet the rest. i told them about it and they said, "awww! so sweet of him!" i was blushed for a moment when they said that to me. haha!

chilled till 12+ midnight and waited for Mac to fetch me and he came along with Awul and we vroom vroom to meet the rest of the guys and Susi at Mush for our rocket session. i swear i had a great time with them and this time round there was like 15 people of us playing it. we save the best for the last which was An's rocket and the explosion sound is freaking loud mcm bomb meletop! then we ran back to PG and laughing and entah lah, kecoh urh. haha! i had a great night thou. i went home early as today im working and Afiz wanted me to go home early and had a good rest. pfft, he himself still at outside, riding and explore with his friends at cemetery. crazy! haha!

arfiz..?

2009-09-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

shattered heart forced to heal
as greatness unveils thine soul.
hope whispered in the distance,
to recover thine lost love.

this night brings tender passing,
healing thine soul with glorious blunder.
cause not one or two,
but dissipated nights of dreams.

sadness comes to end,
happiness conquered hate.
love sprouting sadness shrinking,
hope has come again

well here i am writing down another of my poem. which i express my feelings by words. i shall stop elaborating or bragging bout it so this is my last time im gonna type it down. i think i should step back and perhaps move on with my life. i dont see a point where i need to be there or crawling back or hanging lose to someone who wanna be in the picture still. over and over again it just make me feel more pain and it always keep repeating. why must i still be there if things become more worst and im suffering. he just cant get over with her and they are still being there for each other but yet in the same time he still wanna be with me. wtf is he thinking about?? im not a doll where he can control me and fooling me around. im just SICK AND TIRED of the same shit which keep repeating and SICK AND TIRED of listening to his same old excuses. im happy that i made up my decision. no more crying, no more suffering. now its time for me to rock my fucking world ass off and i think i should give some other people a chance of knowing me better and whom i deserve more to be with. so yeah i shall stop here. the story has ended here.

EDITTED.

i just reached home. i went out to accompany Arfiz to arab street to meet his friends and chill out there. at first i was so nervous to meet him as it was our 1st time meeting or should i say "date?" and furthermore we decided to meet up and to know each other better. he came by my place to fetch me and off we vroom vroom by riding his vespa racing. it was a shocking day for us as we just knew each other and one of his friend is my abg sedare, Abg Usop and another one is my brother's friend. gees what a small world afterall. i was abit awkward though chilling with all of them but somehow i managed to overcome it and talked and laughed with them. they went off at 11.30 and both of us were still there. talking and sharing to each other. less awkward and more being ourselves.

then Mimi called me that she wanna meet us. we vroom vroom back to Tampines and met them at Telepark along with Cd, Afiq, Mac, Zul and Dudd. had a noodle cup session again but this time round, only me and Mac. haha! from there, he get to know my true self and he was happy that im being myself infront of him. duuhhh, off course. when shida meet her friends and cousin, she tend to be very crazy and loud. haha. then we off to Mr Prata for our Sahur and chilled there till 5.45 as it was about to rain. im worried much bout Arfiz for him to go back home. he live quite far from my place which at chua chu kang. i dowan him to be soaking wet in the rain. i can sense that i was being back to myself, i mean the shida that you guys know. the happy go lucky and smiling widely shida. that is a good thing thought. he sent me home and we kinda feel abit different or perhaps awkward so we just shake hands and standing there looking at him to go off. thank god that he messaged me saying that his not wet and not raining. fuhh! he told me that maybe today he wanna meet me again and follow him breakfast with his friends. not quite sure bout that as me and Mimi feel like going to Geylang for dendeng. hahaha...!

PS: i had a great wonderful night =)

new hair!!!

2009-09-15T18:03:00.000-07:00

hell yeay to my new hairstyle!

i just cut and dye it 2 days ago accompany, Cd.
i tot it will turn out to suck cause it seems that whenever i try to cut very short,

it turn out to be ugly or tomboyish look. so i tried it again but with different kind of style.

i wanted to colour my hair white but turn out to be like minahs so we went to watsons and grabbed a grey hair dye colour.

redo the colour at his place.

ending up the colour turn uot to be copper brown.

fuhh! at least it is a acceptable tho rather than a golden monkey colour..! haha!

please do comment about my new hair ouhk..?

and lastly, i like my new eyebrow! thankx Kid for helping me out.

and lastly, i had a wild night web caming with Dudd! he make my ass laugh out loud non-stop and seriously die mcm KKS(kurang kasih syg) haha! playing with the dinasour and making fun of it. mintak kene flying kick urh nie budak! hahaha! but no matter what he is a good friend of mine who always never been fail to be there for me and making my day when he know that my day was alweady sucky. sorry Dudd for not listening to you in a first place and i know the reason why you weren't there on that night. i never expected things to be that way. and every single thing that you say, i shall keep it in my head. thankx Dudd. a friend in need is a friend indeed. =)

fragile heart

2009-09-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Fragile Heart Of Mine

fragile of heart longing to weep

i stare at the abyss needing to sleep

tatter and torn my heart begs to bleed

harden by your loss I forbid to submit

wondering why it came to a sudden end

i thought we were lovers

i thought we were best friends
the seed of doubt, secrets and questionable behavior

did nothing to salvage what was once in favor

questions in abundance

answers in short supply

made for a heartfelt

gut wrenching goodbye

your love still haunts me like a ghost from the past

wondering to myself why things never seem to last

betrayal so deep

it scars your heart and soul

no explanations needed

that is what I was told

once we were lovers

once we were friends

once we were in love

so I thought to myself

no longer a part of my future,my dreams or long term fate

just a distant memory of someone

i thought was my ideal soul mate

so be gone from my heart

my mind and my thoughts

time is all needed to heal and move forward

no time for regrets, remorse or self pity

life goes on no matter how dreadful we are feeling.

dead and gone

2009-09-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

am i or am i not..?
no special shiny sparkling glowing light from me anymore.
im just a random ordinary person in the city

the story started and it ended so quick.
like jack and gill but with heroin.
disco lights and a glint in the eye of
dancing girls at the disco night.
queuing up for something under priced.
working weekends just to pay for drugs.
this little story keeps repeating itself.
reading fashion mags to look at the style.
i want it all, i want it all for me.
these things in life they just don't come for free
vans shoe and a look on his face
that says if you've got the spark then im yours tonight.

in the city, in the city tonight
you live by the sword but you die by the knife.

he found the sword and stabbed the girl.
everything stopped and ended so quick.

2009-09-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

we are in 2 different world.

i got a life to hold and to look forward,

the journey has ended.

i never thought that we went to our own road.

living our life by our ownselves.

no more depending to one another.

i respect his decision and so do mine.

i guess life still need to move on lively,

eventho im no longer his property.

i will just pray hard hoping him the best of his life,

health and wealth and pass his exam with flying colours.

i hope there is no grudges between us and we still can be friends.

journey end with taufiq

2009-09-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

one rainy windy night
i was shined by a ray of light
analyzing my thoughts with all my might
wondering,thinking,is this love or is this like?

love itself is a painful word
love itself resembles a box of chocolate
without love, u might get hurt
without love, humans cant get excited

never ever underestimate the power of love
it happens all the time, anywhere along the curve
only a MAN knows how much it is worth
the day he knew his wife's giving birth

the definition of love is hard to explain
neither can it be read nor it can be paint
there will be joy and there will be pain
indirectly, the more u suffer, the more u gain

to whom who is reading this
ure the reason i wrote this masterpiece
never thought i could write such beautiful poetry
only to you my words can be so lovely

taufiq oh taufiq

for once i thought i was a fool
i didn't know that knowing u is so cool
but the moment i realised ur voice is like a preach
i know from my heart that ur heart is for me to reach

i was about to write this poetry
down in a piece of paper.
but i didn't expected i got no chance.
to do it nor letting him read.

our love has ended for while
i miss ur touch, ur kiss, ur smile
u chose purple, i chose blue
no matter wat, i still love u

because of u, i left them
because of u, im a loser
i thought i was the winner
but what? u have a partner?

i miss u in the morning
i miss u late at night
i miss the cuddling kissing
its my joy and my delight

after years, u send me a letter
it got me feeling better
u ask me out for dinner
i said "i'll see u later!"

on the day of the date
i dont want to be late
but i was damn excited

i reached the place
and saw ur face
in the haze
i was amaze

i said hello
u said hi
i asked who's that fellow?
he said she's my girl

my hearbeat stop
my tears was about to drop
my heart was chop
cause it was a flop

i turned my back
he calls my name
i call the white flag
it was all just a game

its ok its alright
look right, look left and again to the right
there wont be another night
to fight fight fight !

im a loser
so i surrender
i cant stand it anymore
so the game is over

the journey is end
goodbye my dear
goodbye my soul.

dan off to camp

2009-09-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

i just came back from chilling with friends at Telepark. Me, Mimi, Nyah and Uncle were from Ct Hall and off to Tampines to meet the rest. had our breakfast at KFC, Funan and chilled at Esplanade Concourse while waiting for Daniel to arrive. his late and I'm so pissed..! this friday he have to serve NS, and we took our liltte precious time to meet up for ahile and hang out together with the rest of our friends. so we walked all the way to Memo to continue our chit chat and laughter. we planned a event for us to crash to celebrate me and Mimi's birthday. gees, i just cant wait for that day to come. very very soon..! had a great night with the rest of them. till we rofl and had a stomach cram. while on the way home, me and my cousin had a wild idea. we saw a bicycle in the middle of the interchange and so i grabbed it and push it far away from interchange. he tried to paddle it but both of the tyre burst out. haha. pagi2 dah buat keje bodoh. haha. and here i am at 4.45 i reached home safely.

2009-09-09T00:31:00.000-07:00

pictures show millions of words.
so let the picture tell you the story.
hahaha. cut the crap.
picture of me, Fifi, Wawan and Daniel at town yesterday.

for taufiq

2009-09-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

i have alweady awake from my long sleep. now then i do realise what i had done towards him for all this while. i know that i hurt him so much and yet he still standing strong by my side without me noticing. due to that day, everything started to change. things have to be back like how we used to be. and no matter what i do still loving you and do still wanting you. eventho sometimes you make me go nuts. for all i know, i just wanna wait for you to make a come back. i wont go crazy for other guys, i swear.. i will wait for you to return back to where you belong. all i have to do now is to be patient. a song that i dedicate specially for him.i do love you alot Taufiq..!

study date

2009-09-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i had a study date with my dearest Lylie. We were supposed to study at National Library but due to our poor empty stomach, we walked down all the way to Ct Hall, Funan. had our dinner at KFC and surprisingly, i cant finish my food. boohoo! then we headed to SMU to study. had a crazy night with her as there was a ulat bulu at lylie's paper and i screamed coz she was trying to throw it to me and i hate that creature so much..! arrg..! then we head back to tampines, to meet Mimi and Mac at Telepark. i felt so bad for Dudd that i never managed to get my ass off on his bike to follow him to JB to repair his bike. im sorry Dudd. i owe you one. well i received a good news when i reached home. i just received a letter from NYP that i was shortlisted. yeay im going back to school this 19 October. hell yeah i cant wait. i called Mimi and LOL with her bout the news. i wasjust to excited that dream do come true at last. woohoo..!

bloody tuesday

2009-09-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was the blast day for me. eventho starting of the day i felt so sucky but at the end of the day, i had no regret. i went to meet Lylie and Mimi at town along with my cousin, Cd. we had fun washing our eyes and laugh out lout till we had a stomach cramp. we split into 2 groups and we gave each other the score for doing something stupid and funny. we took bus to Ct Hall and chilled out at Memo while waiting for my Abg sedare, Abg mimi to come. and at around 11 we off back to Tampines. it was their stupid plan to walk inside the train from last cabin to the first for the sake of something that we did before. see, another stupid idea again. but it was kinda fun and funny thou. Mac waited for me at interchange and we vvrrooom2 to meet Haris at his block. we went for riding for awhile and off to a place where we called it "mushroom" to meet the rest. chilled there and had our chocolate tester. it was fun thou tasting different kind of chocolate from Australia which Tot's sister brought it. and play poker card and who ever win get to eat kinder bouno. haha!

And lastly, i never regret on anything that i ever done to someone. all i ever ask is just a normal one. but it seems that we cant work it out. is it so hard for me to have a normal one without anyone hanging lose on my sleeve? i dont want anyone to interfere nor being a third. i know people, you guys dont understand what im trying to say but i wanna say it in a complicated form. a simple question that i asked for him to answer but yet its hard for him to give me the answer. if he really loves me, he should be straight and easily answer my question. 50/50 aye? a simple task to do oso makes him so difficult to do and being uneasy. you tell me about it. and being myself is all you want so here i am being myself and i wont do anything about it and i swear i wont fight for something which is not worth for fighting for if that someone is still loving that person. so i dont see a point there. i will just leave u alone and be with the person you love most and i wont be such a busybody to get into the picture and i will not disturb you no more. like i told you before over and over again. you are such a fickle minded. how could you love 2 girls in a row and always giving me lame excuses and tricks which ive been there and done that..? camon, you only meet me at night and giving me excuses for no meeting in a day light. man, you sounds so wrong dude. so much of your sweet talk and pleased me.

the day have come which ive been looking forward for and im glad that i make this decision. i dont bare to take this risk and face all the consequences anymore. the more i stand strong beside him, the more painful i get. and lastly i just realise that you just treat me as a another rebound that you had before. so much of you telling me to wake up from my long sleep and yet now im widely awake and aware. now you tell me who is the 1 who have been sleeping for a long time. i swear this few months i was been fooling and toying around with my feelings by you.

for all this while i just realise that i was the only one whose clap by my ownself without someone clapping with me. coz it takes 2 bloody hands to clap. now, i shall step back and walk away cause i know i do deserve and been treated better by someone else.

PS: the old Shida is back and she will just says fuck you, smile and FUCK OFF!!!

new job

2009-08-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

editted.

all i ever ask is to go back together like last time. i dont mind of waiting but how long will it gonna take and at the end of the day, i get nothing for waiting? by right, i can wait for you but by left, you shouldnt make me wait for nothing. what ever decision that you gonna decide, im sure that im gonna respect it. afterall, love cant be force right. just follow your heart and decide on what you really want.

As for me now, i need to think what us best for me. i really need someone to show me love, to care for me and someone who's concern about me. but there's no one that can do all that except for that someone that im very sure could open up my heart. And im very sure he knows it too. Yes, that someone who i'll do anything for him. im sorry but im still hoping. hopping for a miracle to happen. i just miss the feeling of being loved and being cared by someone.

~~
all i ever wanted is to straight up my mind. i know that sometimes i only think bout myself. it's not that im being stingy or whatever it is but during that time i just need my own space to think. i dont blame you for being like this neither do i. it's both of us fault. and now i think we should just let the nature take the course. since we need to adapt with what we are doing now.

after what we've talked things out, ive been thinking lately bout what you said to me. ive been laying around and wonder through the sky and day dreaming. i guess, it is time for me to wake up from my long sleep. and start to realise on everything and everything happen with my surrounding. let me go through this and catch up with you. but in the same time, you do it slowly.

and i swear that we used to be very happy and cherish with each other and i want it to happen now. being like last time is all i ever want. so do you, right? i just wish that sometimes we could stop the crap and lead our life like how we used to be together. if things doesnt go well then we should know what to do bout it. im sorry for making you like this. and it is totally unfair for you. FYI, ilysm!

it has been ages, i never get myself an opportunity to update my blog or sitting in front of my PC. as you know i just get a new job as a server in a club. when i get back home, i will be talking to Taufiq on the phone for a while before i dose off. and i will spent my whole day sleeping and will wake up in the evening to get prepare for work. so that explain everything. one of my wishlist can strike out.

and you know what, i can only do all this and hang out with you guys on weekdays when I'm not working and free babey! i will compromise the timing for myself, friends and family, and so do you.

working in a night life is fun but pretty tiring and having a sleeping disorder. i have a wonderful colleague and pretty nice customers. as i used to work in FNB line, it helps me easily to communicate with my customers. from there, they will offer me their drink and tips. dance around while working and have a good day at the end of the day. haha.

wonderful night

2009-08-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

good morning people. its 6.49 in the morning and i just reached home from Sunplaza Park with Alam, Dudd and Mag. yesterday night, while i was cooking for my supper, i received a call from Alam and he said that Dudd wanna ask me a favour to high light his hair. i packed my food and i rushed to the toilet and shower. i went to meet them at a shop nearby my place as they forget to bring extra helmet for me and im lazy to go back home to take my helmet. and we walked slowly to the park. before that we stop by at the 7eleven to grab a bottle of liquor. few minutes later, Mag joined us and chilled. i swear i was amazed with Mag's Gilera bcoz his bike is so damn nice and hot! after eating we start to dye Dudd's hair. and i swear he look so amazing and hot after we do his hair. i was creep out and shouted coz there was a lot of creepy crawling insects and 1 of them crawling at my leg. we really had fun talking and jokes around. i had a big long talked with them as they are 22 years old and above and i acknowledge people's advise which are way older than me. they eat more salt than me. now then i understand what had happened with my surrounding.

so here i am from today onwards, i wont expect anything or miracle to happen. i know that you dont dare to say anything to me as you just dowan to hurt my feelings. seriously, its better to hurt me now than later. no worries dude, i started to realise everything and i wont force you at all. now im glad that things go this way. both will not get hurt in any ways or angry anymore. all i want from you now is a friendship. not more than that. freedom is what we all want and i will fulfill your wish. but what i know is, for all this while i never control you at all. fuhh, what a relief. its ouhk, i will heal myself up and just move on. im looking forward right now and i dont wish to look back. im not gonna waste my time waiting for any miracle to happen if they dont wish to be with me nimore. yeah thats right. i wont let a boy making me feel down or like a world is ending. im happy right now that i have my wonderful friends around me and making me happy. thankx dudes and babes for cheering me up. after what i hear from you guys, to think back, it is true. sometimes people also lie because they think they might hurt the one they love cause they would misunderstand the situation. but telling the truth is always better than keep a secret or lie. thats unacceptable. i cant be this way anymore being someone which is totally not me. i have to be my ownself back. and hell yeah babey, the old shida is back!!!

i swear that i cant wait for tonight to go skate and drink with you guys and dye Alam's hair. so see you all later. im off to bed now. daaaa!

sad case

2009-08-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes you run into a situation where you know what to do (deep in your heart of hearts, you know) but you're still going to go the opposite way? Even tho you know you're wrong, and bad things may come from what you're choosing to do? When you could just avoid it all by doing what your heart tells you is right?

I have this situation whereby my mind and my heart say differently. Here i am being so confused and a lot of question marks on top of my head. No one can help me this time round. the only me and myself can solve this shit. Being puzzled can only cause me migrain and it feels so sucky. I wish i know what to do next but yet i'm not sure on my decision. i don't want at the end of the day, feeling so regret and distasteful.

Base on my research and google, yes, it is just a feeling. a feeling where it can control our mind physically and emotionally. nowadays my heart beat pumping so fast and it makes me feel so unsecured and uneasy. i just ask for 1 thing that can make me happy all day long. is it hard, being a truthful and honest person? in my 19 years old life till now, I'm still searching for a honesty and trustworthy person. i though he could be the one that I'm looking for among all these billions of people. yes I'm still young to think back but this is who i am. i was grown up in that way.

Sometime, i tell myself to fuck it. fuck with all this shit in my head for a moment. a moment for me to breathe the fresh air and relax my mind. whenever im being ego, the bad side of me appear. a bad side as in me being tough enough to face and feel the pain in it. 'ouch' i swear!

Like I always said,

a lie can breathe into my mouth,

and suck out all that shivers.

love can crawl beneath my skin

and make my heart resist reality.

it whispers “are you lonely?”

I answer, “I have never felt more alone

then when I am in a crowded

room”

I can crawl through the legs of lovers,

through the arms of intertwined lives

on the floor of a party where other girls

find a smile to kiss.

a smile does not find me,

through the legs of the lovers.

on hands and knees I crawl to the exit,

minus a smile

minus a lover.

dont speak anything if you cant prove it. action speak louder than words.
so prove me wrong and your correct. loving you is the best damn thing that i ever across. it is such a waste that we ended it there. do still wanting you. do still loving you. all i ever ask is to make me and our relationship happy and lively. Now you see I never thought you'd be a constant person in my life. And I don't think that you would be. Because I know you'll always love me very much. You are my hero in disguise. i just pray hard that you will soften up your heart and do something about it. But yet things went disaster.

_________________________________________________

a poem from my all time favourite writer.
i love expressing my feeling thru music, lyrics and poetry.
and i even write one too.that me! haha!
so enjoy reading it. the below one ouhk. haha!

Rocco By: Algernon Charles Swinburne

...

Time found our tired love sleeping,

And kissed away his breath;

But what should we do weeping,

Though light love sleep to death?

We have drained his lips at leisure,

Till there's not left to drain

A single sob of pleasure,

A single pulse of pain.

Dream that the lips once breathless

Might quicken if they would;

Say that the soul is deathless;

Dream that the gods are good;

Say March may wed September,

And time divorce regret;

But not that you remember,

And not that I forget.

...

Breathe close upon the ashes,

It may be flame will leap;

Unclose the soft close lashes,

Lift up the lids, and weep.

Light love's extinguished ember,

Let one tear leave it wet

For one that you remember

And ten that you forget.

tiring morning

2009-08-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

she just called me and saying that our plan is cancel. i just though of seeing her in a pretty dress, make up on her and a well do hair done. damn, our plan has ruined due to her Boyfriend. its ok Mie i understand and i don't mind at all. as long as your happy with him and shoo, go spent time together with him while you can aite babe? AND you owe a day out with me. haha! but im still meeting Lylie in the afternoon. she is so damn petite that i have to fetch her from her briefing base on F1 thingy, gonna meet her at 4 later and im not quite sure where are we going later but we're gonna having our lunch at my aunty shop at Outram park, Pearl Centre. i shall update after i get back home.

i need to take a break now as i took the whole night to write on my previous entry with a dictionary beside me while webcam-ing with Taufiq. haha! nighty night to me then even though it is alweady 9.04 am. haha!

Continue...

i went out to meet Cd at the bus stop and off to City Hall to fetch our dearest pampered friend, Lylie. she had this briefing base on F1 thingy. right after the briefing around 6+, i called her. i thought it was a date for both of us but it wasn't as Cd tag along with someone. and i told Lylie not to give a fucked up face when facing him and he was someone from her past. she had no idea who it was. she cabbed to Raffles City and changed. when u she meet us, at last she know who it was. it was ken. haha! =)

Seriously, it was a long yet fun day. then cabbed to Taka, paid by me(step kaye konon). Cd wanted to treat us to Seoul Garden but to think of it, its not worth it. so, instead of eating at Seoul Garden, we head to Lucky Plaza to eat Pizza Hut. Lots of foods, and i finished mine. at last i get to eat Beef Lasagna which i had craving that for quite long time. =)

we had a good laugh, jokes after jokes, jumping around. right after dinner, we went to Cineleisure and thought of watching a movie. but all started late, Lylie had to go home early. So, we headed to arcade. they were engrossed trying to catch the cartoon character 'Domo' and hell yeah, Ken won catching it. Cd bought for us Care Bears. Sat around Taka to continue our laughter. Fir called and asking Lylie if she want him to fetch. and yeah, he send her home safely. as for the rest of us, we went to Ken's house and though of drinking. and hell yeah we drank Bacardi. That's my fun Saturday.

just a memory to remember

2009-08-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

I like to write. OK, that’s a lie. I need to write.

There are these moments where words gather in my head in small fractions of sentences, and they accumulate until I either put them to paper (virtual or otherwise), or hold onto them too long and start to lose them.

If I am lucky enough to be near a pen and paper / computer / eyeliner pencil and Iphone, I jot down the words and then rearrange them until they express what it is I’m thinking. usually it ends up in a less than adequate variation, but getting those words out is like. well it’s like exhaling a big sigh.

This is why I say I need to write instead of like to write. After all, we all must breath. Even when it hurts. Even when we’re hurt.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like to write…sometimes. On days when the weather is stormy and gray with rain, and there is a nice hot fire going, and I have a perfect cup of coffee in a fat mug, and I’m wearing super comfy, soft cloths. Or on days when the sun sets and there are colors that lace the sky that I’ve never even seen in the biggest Crayola box, and it’s warm but a cool breeze gently pushes at my back, and the crickets chirp in the distance, and the lightning bugs swirl above the plush, green late summer grass. Well on these days I love to write. How could I not when the world around me is so inspiring?

But those days are few and far between, and beyond them life happens. So in the majority of the time when the day is not so conducive to creativity, or there are a million and one things that just have to get done, or I’m just being particularly lazy. well it is a chore to write. One of those things that you know before you go into it you’ll feel better when your done, and it’s the getting into it you’re having trouble with…like exercising.

When I ignore my writing it builds up in me like steam in a hot teapot. At some point it comes hissing out of me (usually also like a teapot) in loud, screeching, annoying ways. Once I recognized this fun fact about me, I decided to try to write at least once a week. I mean, sit down, turn off the TV, grab a snack, and hack it out. That is the reason for this blog.

So it begins…

If I had known those were my last moments with you,

i would have drank you in without pause or hesitation.

I would have held you closer,

inhaled deeply the scent of your neck and hair.

I would have lingered in your embrace,

not being the first to pull away for a change.

I would have looked straight into your beautiful, dark brown eyes,

and told you "I love you,"

instead of casually saying "me too" as I half ran to the road...

...always late, now it's too late.

When I caught you watching me leave I would have tilted my head and smiled so big,

watching you watch me,

getting every second of me before I was gone...

...it always made me feel wonderful,

but as usual I rolled my eyes,

uncomfortable in being loved.

I would have spent those moments loving you as you had always loved me...

...If I had known.

the photos on my wall are meant to be keep as a memory to be remember.

stupid gerek clasmate

2009-08-13T04:47:00.000-07:00

yesterday i received a call from Alep, my ite classmate, when im having my wonderful sleep and he scolded and shouted at me cause it was 5+ in the afternoon. i jumped out of my bed with a body aching. man i need to cut down on my sleeping hours. i sleep like a pig man!shower and get changed and im off to meet Alep, his younger brother and Mon the mate kero. haha. last i saw Mon was during school life and he quit half way thru. so its been like nearly a year? i guess so. as what Alep promised me before that he gonna treat me eat, so he did. we had our dinner at KFC and i was abit pissed with the boys cause Mon get so fetish when he see a girl. a group of girls were sitting right beside us and Alep keep disturbing Mon by saying to the girls that Mon wanna make friend, they threw food to each other and im over there like "hey guys stop ehk, sebelom aku subat burger korang kat mulut and ehk mate gie straight kan dulu ehk." ahaha. they were so pathetic and they will always be the same. aww i miss my ite life. then we went to G-Star and grabbed a tshirt. man, im so in love with the tshirt lah. so we walked to Paragon to fetch Mon's girlfriend from work and we chilled at Cineleisure as usual whenever i go out with Alep. haha. talk and talk and talk. laugh and laugh and laugh. thats all i can say. and i nearly wanna fell down as they make me laugh so badly. haha. we catch up for the last train and went back home.
as for me i went to the playground which nearby to Ika's house instead of going home straight. met her and Alam(my brother's friend), while waiting for my message, alam dosed off and left me and ika only. so we had our supper and drink. brought a few cans of booze and chilled outside 7eleven. what i meant was, there is a small park outside the 7eleven so dont get me wrong. and its not wrong aither to chill outside the shop. haha. after making myself tipsy, we both walked home. when i reached home, i tot of relaxing for awhile and dozed off but instead brother asked me to cook for his supper. damn him for making me cooked in a abit of tipsy condition eventho that he knew. grr! hiak-dish to him!
thats all folks. i haven sleep the whole night yet.i better take a rest now.

here are some of the stupid pictures with the irritating classmate!

Sucky tuesday

2009-08-13T04:34:00.000-07:00

let me just briefing whats going on last Tuesday.i went NYP to submit my application with Didi(Irahs's BF) and Wanee.met them at ard 12+ in the afternoon and walked to NYP.wanee was late for her class and so she left us at the office. done with everything,and off we took train. he alighted at Orchard to meet Irah and i went to meet Boyfriend at his work place. chilled and accompanied him till closing. walked to riverside and talked. yes, I'm happy that i get to meet Boyfriend but nothing much bout my day. all i can said was i had a rough and sucky day. the day that i never expected had yet to come and i was kinda shocked. thank god that i prepared myself to face this day cause i had dreamt bout this thing before and it actually came true.i just pray hard to god that hopefully things gonna be like normal and i hope that we wont end it there and a little change in our relationship is good enough for me. insyallah.

pictures on my sucky day.

national day

2009-08-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

i bet you guys know where i head to just now. of course, watching the fireworks at the padang. Firstly, i met Ika at the bus stop. then we went straight to City Hall as we were in a rushed to meet Lylie and Mimi who had been waiting for us for quite long. Reached, then had our dinner. it was full of people so we decided to sit at the entrance of Ritz Carlton Hotel to eat. then we walked all the way and we found a spot to watch the fireworks. we were standing near the padang. right after that we went to town. but before we head to town, we waited for Fir as he really wanna meet Lylie so much. and so, he came. Sat at Taka fountain and thats that. i thought of meeting Boyfriend but too bad for me that he cant make it. that was my day. but before i wanna end my entry, i just wanna say that i really had a great time you girls. its been quite so long i never had a girls day out(except for fir). so yah we must do this quite often. i really had a superb day esp the part where we all shouted and singing together. my legs are tired now. i need some rest. so before that enjoy the pictures.

chupi

2009-08-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

i just receive a comment from a friend of mine, Chupi, at myspace.
he post me a videocam of himself singing and play in acoustic.
gees, he do have a great voice and i love that song.
psst chupi, i know you were irritated by your hair right? ahaha.
thumbs up for you but do practice more.
i will support you friend!
=)

obstacle??

2009-08-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

It is almost half past seven in the morning. I haven't blogged in a while and the reason is simple. I didn't feel the need to. But yet now i have too. yesterday i spent my whole day sleeping so that is part of the reason too. This year has been a very trying year for me. Hurdle after hurdle. Obstacle after obstacle. After all the things I've gone through, now this. What else will fate throw at me? I know one thing is for sure. The worst is yet to come. I'm tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel so drained. A lesser me would have given up. Lets see what other kind of shit is going to hit the fan.

First thing first as you can read under my wishlist, i managed to settle up the shit that i've been thru and the case is close. then i managed to get a job at Barossa, Esplanade which can only last me for less than a week. how can i work at the Japanese shop when me myself cant cope it eventho i was forced to give it a try. i had been thru that situation before and now it coming back to me. i did talked to my manager but things doesn't go well and i make my own decision. i took a day off by my own acknowledgement and i went to meet Boyfriend instead. yah he laughed at me when i told him the whole story. imagine that i was standing 1 corner being like a retarded person and those who im working with is also a retarded. tell me about it. working at the Barossa making me a hectic day but i like it alot as i can be my own self. i dance and sing along with the music background, i can talk welly with my costumers and im not shy at all.
even Boyfriend was shocked looking at me by the way i roll over there. grr, i miss working over there. and whats wrong with Lutfi being such a selfish towards me? ahh he forever always being a selfish and only think bout himself and lastly BOSSY! damn, i helped him for giving him a job and now he treating me like a shit. not even a appreaciated or thankful to me. why cant i ask a favour back and yet he bad mouth bout me. so much of his "DingDams" a friend in need is a friend indeed?! bullshit man you!

Secondly, i miss those time with my DDF. i know they have been busy with schooling and projects. even they themselves have no time for them. but i really wanna say thankx to Lylie and Ika for sparing their time to be there for me. dont forget lylie, you still owe me a "watch movie day" with me. ahaha. as for my little wanee boo, you dont have to worry bout me. yes, sometime i think negatively towards you that you might forget bout me or what but deep inside me, i know that you are too busy with projects, family matter and even your relationship. dont worry eventho we lack of communication, you should know that i will always there here waiting for you. and promise me that we gonna have our DDF Day aite? no boys but only me, you and Lylie. we got alot of things that need to be catch up.

Lastly, bout me and Boyfriend, after obstacle to another obstacle. and yet im still standing strong. we really need to stop with all the games that we are playing right now. im not gonna put on a revenge on you no more. the more i on the revenge the more it gonna hurt me. yes, i did hide 1 thing from you and i know it was my fault and im so sorry bout it. i do realise it and i promise you that no more secret between us and i expect you to be the same way too. you know that we like to hit each other back by putting on a revenge but it will not gonna help us or settle it up. all we need is to talk things out. i know this is a challenging relationship and im kinda like it but its not gonna help us. lets stop with all craps aye Boyfriend? and i love you more than yesterday.

some random saturday night pictures with Boyfriend. we went to drink as brother paitao us last minute to go party with him. grr i hate him for that and making us pissed.

.

happy birthday ika!

2009-08-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

Happy 19th birthday to my dearest Ika.
me and cousin decided to make for her a surprise picnic celebration which held at padang and in a same time, watched the fire works too. so she should be happy that while celebrating, she oso get to watch the fire works. ahahaha. i planned to bake for her a birthday cake with a help from my sister in law and cooked spegetti. we both get irritate from brother for disturbing us and keep on taking our pictures while baking. hiak-dish to him! well i got nothing much to say as im lazy to type so just enjoy the pictures!

video cover

2009-07-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

Valerio Carboni.
that is the guy that im in love with the way he played and his voice.
gees, im impress with the way he sing it. his vocal is the same as Chris Martin.
thumbs up for him!

this is one of the video where Boyfriend record it. and among all them, i love this the most. Boyfriend, you know, you have the voice and im loving it. do practice more and dont worry i will always support you baby! Boyfriend, i was browsing thru your videos and im wondering when are you gonna cover again. hmm...

2009-07-16T01:28:00.000-07:00

i just finished baking cookies with sister in law.
and im so bored right now at home.
im still waiting for Boyfriend to wake up from his long sleep and i bet he is still at his lalaland.
ahahah. i did call him alot of time but he didn't pick up. i hate his wake up timing. what i realise he start to wake up late everyday. by right now he suppose to be at my house and bringing along with his keyboard. we decided to put his keyboard at my place for me to practice as im taking music school soon.and another reason is to make my butt stick at home. so if he wanna play it, he have to come over to my house. ahaha. ouhk im being random right now. so here are some pictures that we took few days at town. enjoy!
=)

loneliness

2009-07-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Don't let life consume you.
It could eat you up inside.
Can you see the human spirit?
Tell me why should I have to hide?
And with my heart in my hand and with my hand upon my heart.
It's not like we planned. Don't betray your lover.
You will just betray yourself.
Can you see the human spirit?
Is there emptiness inside?
Is there loneliness inside?

Tell me, come on tell me what you can.
even as you wait for death you're wiser than iam.
tell me what does it mean to exist.
i am not a scientist and i must believe in more than this.
i can not accept that everything thats real is only what our eyes can see and our hands can feel.
not even earth can hold us.
not even life controls us.
not even the ground can keep us down the memories in my head.
are just as real as the time we spent.
you always be close to me, my dear.
this is not the end.
i see, i can see you're so afraid.
you wear it like a silver hood.
on you, even fear looks good.
i wish i had some words to give but all that i can think to say is l'll be with you everyday.
i don't care what you believe as long as you are in my heart.
you're just as real as me, maybe even more.
someone has touched so many lives.
can never never die.

PS: Life is so intricate than it seems.

2009-07-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

If dreams were given to a lonely man
and a lonely man's dreams came true,
I'd force myself to sleep all the time
just so I could dream of you

If wishes were given to a lonely man
and I was given just two,
I'd wish for you to always love me
and the other I'd give to you

If my tears could write a love song
I'd write a love song for you,
It would explain just how I feel inside
and how much I love you too

But, dreams are only dreams
and wishes seldom come true,
My tears can't write a love song,
but when they fall, they fall for you

Can that line be crossed
What could we truly be
And at what cost
Do you see what I see
I know there is more there
Waiting to be found
Can you feel how much I care
I feel like I'm being drowned
If you knew the amount of desire
That I feel for you
My burning fire
That wants one to become two

I pray one day I'll live to see you break a smile.

interview day

2009-07-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

it was my interview day. i dont know what to wear and i ask cousin to come over to my place to choose for me. instead he brought me a white blouse. so i get myself prepared and packed my stuffs. before i left my place with him, we decide to take a photo taking with brother as a photographer cause he took a lesson on taking pictures and he open up his own freelance as a photographer. so people out there who wanna hire a photographer, do tell me aite. took some shots and off we go. dont bother how was my interview go coz it suck to the core! ahahah! god please help me, i really need job so badly.

friday night

2009-07-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

my friday night was fcuking fun babey. me, Boyfriend, Ika and Cd went to hotel and check in for 1 day. room party babey. we decided to go there for drinking and have fun. and hell yah we did! eventho its only 4 of us but yet we felt like 10 people.we drank while playing card and whoever lose have to drink the whole glass. ahaha. it was my first time going there with ika and cousin lah! very kecoh and we shouted and LOL lah. tak ingat dunie langsung. Ika was down bout her boyfriend and so we cheer her up. the most funny part was i quarreled with Boyfriend bout a stupid thing and we gave each other a stupid remarks and i swear i was laughing while quarrelled with him and so the rest. eventho its funny but i dont really mean what i said to Boyfriend. sorry Boyfriend for acting like a childish. i think i was a bit tipsy. ahaha. cause we know how to roll or boring day...

black day

2009-07-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

At last after a month, i get to meet my Wanee Boo yesterday along with Boyfriend, Ika and Cd. the funny part was everyone wore the same colour tshirt which is black. mcm berjanji gitu kan. ahahaha. yes we really do need to catch up things between us and gosh it has been so long we last gossip and had our aspernormal crap. guess what Wanee, Boyfriend said that our gossip urh tak leh tahan woo! rabak woo! ahahah. well, what to do that was what we called ourselves DDF lah. ahahah. went to fetch her at Starbucks Tampines Mall and i kidnapped her away from her classmate and brought her to coffee shop to grab our dinner. silly Boyfriend for making stupid silly faces at us during our conversation and he tried to distract us by talking to Cd far across and disturbed me. grr! hiak-dish to him! went to MacDonald to have our double chocolate and as usual we took some shot over there while Boyfriend went to TM alone. pity him but sorry Boyfriend for not accompany you. I've met Wanee so i cant let go of her from my side. not that often i get to meet her. hee! then we walked all the way to Sunplaza Park to play the swing and took a nice shot with a nice scenery and full moon. i shall upload more pictures when i receive them from Boyfriend. well Wanee, we should meet up more often cause you are so busy with your school project lah. damn that school. ahahaha! ouhk I'm being not understanding over here. the next time round, Lylie must be there too and we shall LOL at MacDonald like we always did.

Boyfriend, i just realise that i couldn't resist of not meeting you. i really need you by my side every single day and everyday my love towards you grow stronger and stronger. i love you more than yesterday. did i ever told you before that you were alweady complete me and your name has alweady engrave in my heart? damn, i swear I'm telling you the truth from the bottom of my heart(jiwang pulak aku nie). thankx for coming here when i feel lazy to go out of here. i really appreciate every single thing that u did for me. love you B!

aku saket!!!

2009-07-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

after 1 day of not meeting Boyfriend due to my fever, i managed to get out of my bed to meet him. even 1 day without meeting him can make me go crazy. i think i just get use to it by meeting him everyday. lika a habit. grr i just miss him alot lah cause i didnt get to meet him or hear his voice or even smell his armpit! he waited for 30mins as im late. now it his turned to wait for me. ahahaha. i did had fun with Boyfriend and i was so tired walking around with him the whole day. he brought me to the places where i never been there before and i was amazed! mcm budak jakon pulak aku nie. ahahaha. i dont know what else to say anymore more but i know i did had fun with Boyfriend the whole day. eventho im still sick and abit weak, in order to cure the sickness is to meet him. and im getting better! ahahah!

JB

2009-07-08T01:16:00.000-07:00

it was 2nd time me and Boyfriend went to Johor Bahru together. it was a last minute planned as we were at Bugis finding his stuffs. but ending up we bought alot of food instead. Damn Boyfriend started to eat more ever since my appetite increase and sometime he eat more than me and i swear he grow up his boncet. ahahaha. while eating, we had that crazy idea to go to there. and so we walked to the bus station but instead we took cab to Johor Bahru. ahahaha. went to Wan's work place which is a club and it was my 1st time going club with my Boyfriend and furthermore in Malaysia ehk!! wth?! ahahaha. gees, Wan is a bartender. ahaha. sit around where we could talked to Wan easily. the most funny part that happened inside was they played a live band and they played Doreamon song. but its cute thou. ahahah. thankx baby for everything. u really brighten up my days. and to my dearest friend Wan, i really do miss you alot. do take care of yourself over there and dont think much bout it. please come back here soon aite. =)

dad

2009-07-07T15:22:00.000-07:00

sorry for the delay to update my blog. I've been busy spending time with family and Boyfriend. me and my family went to hospital to visit my dad at hospital and he can discharge alweady. he has been inside the operation room for nearly 6hours. the doctor said that he have to go for another operation at the heart center, next 2 weeks. ohh gosh it gonna be his 2nd op for the same thing again. all i can do is pray hard and hope nothing gonna happen during the op. had our lunch at Banquet and took some shots with family. while waiting we went to look around at EastPoint for Q's stuffs but ending up get nothing for her. nurse called mom and we rushed back to hospital and went to the ward.
dad looks so pale and his hand keep bleeding due to his cut for the camera to go in. it bleed non stop. i swear cause i was just beside him all the way.
mom told me to go home with 1st with brother first. surprisingly, Q didn't cry the whole day. i guess she understand what had happened with her surrounding. ahaha. well thats all i can say for now.

2009-07-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

Dear wanee,
im so sorry that i never reply to your entry and comments.
i just too busy lately and im kinda seldom online too.
i need to catch things around me and me too need to catch up with you.
i owe you 1 big time and im gonna do that ASAP.
dont worry aite just patient and i'll give you more than what u expected.
i really am sorry babygirl.

Dear lylie, i read you blog.
what happened hun?
sorry i never been there for you.
and i will soon.
and dont think much bout it.
i told you to forget bout the pass and move forward with the person who loves you most.
i was really happy when you and fir were together back.
no more of seeing you get hurt and suffer and cry.
see, even DDF were so effing happy lah kan.
but its all up to you.
as long as you're happy, we oso happy.
and dont be jeles of wane coz you know i miss you alot too.
yeay me too glad that things are back to normal and i wont throw my tantrum at you nimore( no promises for that, hehe)
and thankx for being there for me.
i owe you too.

TO DDF,
sorry of my busy-ness.
i know i need to catch up things with you girls and i will soon.
just give me courage and surport.
i will be there and i promise to come and meet you girls on this wednesday.
PROMISE! mark my words. and i wanna spent time gossip and talk with my bitches lah kan!
grr!!! im so fcuking miss you girls lah.
just remember even if im busy, that doesnt mean i stop thinking of you both.
i always do. and remeber that i love you both alot.
~kisses&&huggies~

I WILL UPDATE SOON!!!

where it meets the eyes.

2009-07-01T11:45:00.001-07:00

after few days quarreling with Boyfriend, we managed to settle up the shits that occurred us for being apart. a childish thing or act which i didn't expected to repeat back had happened again. gees, i swear i just cant be bother bout it or play apart in the game but the love is so strong which makes me angry and blew out everything to him. eventho it's not his fault but yet i put the blame on him, sorry dear. eventho that was his decision which i never forced him to do so, i appreciated and treasure it alot. i know he tried his very best to save this relationship and he achieved it. i just hope that he make a right choice and he wont regret at the end of the day. im so glad that things gonna be normal back. i swear this time round no more disturbing and boundaries. i just need people to respect our relationship. it takes two hand to clap for this relationship and in life this kind of chances will not always come to us and i do realise that i never slip it away. i was aware of everything and this time round, i feel that he is different from others that i know. i can feel it, i swear! i hope no more shits like that gonna happen again and no more wall in between us.

Dear Taufiq, im so sorry bout yesterday that i scolded you in out of nowhere. yes i might step over the line but i was in an angry state and alot of things in my head and yet another one is coming. yes, i might be stingy but i just do it for my rights. after making myself cool down, im glad that we managed to talk things out bout it and make a right decision. im so fucking happy that we never end it there. i still want you around and i really do love you alot more than anything else. but i love my iphone more than you lah. ahahaha! the reason why i kept laughing, smiling and make stupid noises just now cause im so fucking happy that we get to meet up, continue our story and the most important thing was smell your armpit lah! gees, i started to miss you alweady. only god knows how much i love you and im glad that you are still in my life. your name has alweady engrave in my heart. =)

PS: i will pray hard that nothing gonna happen to daddy tomorrow. and he alweady complete my life. you know, i just so in love with this guy and im glad that he come into my life.

love stink

2009-06-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

when is the time that i can tell him everything. everything bout how i feel. gees, i guess time will tell.
over and over again, things always happened the same way. I'm not sick and tired of you, but i just feel that there is something boundaries between us that makes us this way. if you have brain to think, then think properly and wisely. i know that you knew what kind of boundaries that I'm talking about. if you think that I'm not worth for it then just tell me. i will definitely walk away. rather hurt me now than later. I'm not being ego or whatsoever but you just cant accept for who i am now and treating you this way. i know we both got other things to worry about and all. i do understand that but do you? you want me to be around then show it to me that you really are and i do too still want you around. yes, what we are facing right now is making things complicated. is it just me or you or us? i know we both struggling financially and emotionally and what we want is to pleased our parents. why cant we go thru this together again? if we can get go thru that shit together why not this? and i admit that I'm fucking miss you and love you too, sincerely. I'm not avoiding you but i just want to make you learn your lesson. it also giving you the space for you to think and settle up your problems cause i just don't want to add you up more burden. when i look back thru the pictures that we taken before, i really do miss those days. yes during those times, we did had fun together and no one disturbed us but sometimes yes. and it really annoyed me so much. ive been patient for long time and dont let it reach to the limit. but i bet you wouldn't care how i feel. no matter how much you trying to pleased me bout it, bedek urh i dont feel anything. afterall i am a human, a human being who have feelings. I'm not a girl anymore but yet I'm a women now. if you wish to fool or toy me around, i guess you get the wrong person. why wouldn't i think that you fooling me around unless you prove it to me that you aren't. dont leave me hanging at the end of the day or alot of question marks on top of my head. cause it really feel so sucky and ouch! honestly speaking, i just scared of losing you. you alweady complete me. thats all i can say.

i know it feels like shits to be this way and it feel sucky that i treating you this way. I'm not on a revenge or playing game back on you but i just want you to learn your lesson and feel how i felt before. it really makes me more sucky to treating you like this now, you know! I'm not another girl/women that you know at outside. grr! when can i have a purity and sincerity. like what i mansion before, "give me a reason to love you, give me a reason to be, a women, I just wanna be a women."
like what a friend of mine said, time will tell.
=)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I DO STILL STILL REMEMBERR OF MY DDF. AND IM FUCKING MISS YOU LAH WANEE!!! WANEE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I FORGET YOU, HOR. I JUST HAVE ALOT OF THINGS INSIDE MY HEAD. DO TEXT ASAP AITE!!! WHEN CAN WE 3 GO OUT TOGETHER? U'VE BEEN MIA FROM US SIA!!!!

am i such a fool for you?

2009-06-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

today is my lazybum day and it was a windy rainy weather and it was the best time to sleep peacefully. ahahaha. i lazy to go out of Tampines even Taufiq wanna meet me oso, i lazy. sorry dude but im just too lazy to go out far. Me and Ika decided to go for swimming but due to the weather, we canceled. instead we went to Tampines Mall to buy donuts. both were craving to eat that. ahaha. then we went to Mr Prata having out dinner there. ouhk im being random right now.
and FYI, today i went home early. cey cey cey. ahahah. ouhk, lame!

hmm all i wanna say is that, im happy for what i have now. happy that i was able to be there for my family when in time of needs. happy that friends were there for me when i feel so blue. eventho shits do happen sometimes, i just cant be bother. its not that i lazy to entertain or what but i just feel useless. i dont see any point of me being someone's shadow. im sick and tired of it and it tearing me apart. why cant others be my shadow instead. hmm just let it be lah. i lazy to talk or think bout this. i have other better things to think off. am i such a fool for you?

PS: It is more intricate than it seems. && IM FUCKING MISS LIA ALOT! I MISS HER KISSY AND HUGGIES.

Lucky day for me

2009-06-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah at last i get my dream phone that i wanted so much. Iphone! woohoo! dad brought for me and he spent another $110 at Cotton On on me and sis in law. its a family outing and we bring Quraisha along. grr daddy carried her all the way without me having a chance to carry her. i felt so lucky today eventho starting of the day i felt abit sucky. but who cares, i don't give a damn. yesterday i went to sleepover at Taufiq's place after we went to town to meet Lylie, Fir, Ika and her Boyfriend. i had a bad feeling before i went to bed and it really bother me alot. but by looking at Taufiq sleeping, i fall asleep. the next day when I'm otw home, mommy called me if i wanna tag her along with daddy to Afghan. had lunch with them and we walked slowly to Tamp Mart. brought Microwave, water boiler(if I'm not wrong), blender and vacuum. then went home after that to pray first, and off we went to Tamp Mall. wooo, today everyone get to shop.

BTW, my horoscopes says that :
Libra: The sky is the limit today! You can have almost anything you want, if you go after it.
AND fcuking true lah! i get Iphone babey!

PS: im nearly there to my limit. and give me a reason to love you, give me a reason to be, a women, I just wanna be a women. AND LASTLY, Didi said to me that aku kuat stress. betol ker?

SIAL

2009-06-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

EHK SIAL LAH! WTF SIA! BLOODY FUCKING ASSHOLE! SUCH A SICK IN THE ASS! AND SUCH A SICK IN THE BRAIN!

unsecure

2009-06-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

its 6.32 in the morning but yet im still awake. i cant sleep eventho i did tried. from one to another one burden and it started to grow like a mountain. what should i do now? i cant run away from it. remember, i alweady started on my new life. i have to accept the facts and im gonna face any outcome and consequences in order to settle it up. no point of telling my problems cause you yourself cant do anything but just open up your ears to listen and i dont any point of doing that. so i just cant be bother to share to anyone. sorry. dont bother to ask me aite. =)

as we grow older, the more problems appear and stress out. grr! if only there is a time machine, i wanna turn back time when i was still a kid or even better, baby. no need to stress and just be happy or cry. ahahaha.

due to my old xanga, i did mention bout something. once again i did it again eventho i didnt realise it till now. been thinking lately and get migrain after that. yes i slip it again. my only chance. why am i being such a clumsy and silly? eventho it just right infront of my eyes. sorry abg mimi, i broke your promised and i regret of doing it. seriously i didnt realise and now i know how much it meant to me. can i turn back time and undo what i did before? hmm i guess whats done cannot be undone. i just need to bare the pain and stand strong. OUCH! but that doesnt mean i give up on everything. i just need fresh air to breathe and relax my mind. man seriously i need a job right now. i need to make myself busy and to stop thinking of it for awhile. damn, history started to repeat back. hate it!

another bad day

2009-06-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

another bad news for me. my god father also admitted at hospital. same day as my dad and now it make me double the worries. i went to hospital just now to visit both of them and i hugged my god father and i nearly wanna cried. i miss him alot lah as its been so long i never meet him. i tot of meeting Taufiq today after visiting them but time ran so fast and i need to be there for my mom. eventho she put on a fake smile but i know deep inside her, she scared and worried. i can tell.
for now i shall put my problems aside first as i need to be there for my dad and family. lets just pray hard to them that nothing will happen and get well soon aite, insyallah. the result haven come yet and the doctor said most probably that daddy need to go for another survery AGAIN. this time round i need to stand strong. all of my family member do too. its his 2nd time if he go for the survery and this is his forth time get heart attack. omg, how am i gonna deal with the result and outcome? tell me about it.
=(

2 news

2009-06-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

i received 2 news of good and bad in 1 same day.
such a shocking to me but i have to accept the fact.

ouhk let me mention the good news first. the thing that gonna ruin my future had settled alweady. before i get to know bout that news, my heartbeat pumped so fast and i felt something gonna happen. and yes it was. something good that make me and Taufiq jumped around like a monkey, laughed out loud and smiled very widely. yeah 1 burden has strike off. and I'm so fucking glad of that and i promise, no more shits that gonna do with that. mark my word. let it be a lesson to learn, not only for me but for other too. think before you wanna do something aite.
=)

And the bad news is, my dad was admitted at hospital just now. heart attack strikes back! i received a call from sister in law when i was with Taufiq at Suntec. so i rushed down to CGH alone. in the train i was about to cry but i controlled it. as there alot of people in the train. while talking to friend in the phone accompany me talked and consoled me. damn the swine flu cause i need to register something in order to get in the hospital and the queue was quite long eventho it was at around 9+pm. then have to wear the mouth mask. ahahaha! waited for dad for 3hrs 3omins till he was admitted to wards. I'm sitting alone outside the accident and emergency room while mom was inside with dad. till i fall asleep for awhile and in order for me not to sleep due to my lack of sleeping, Didi and Lylie called me, accompany me talked all the way. eventho i was expecting someone to be there for me when I'm feel blue but nothing show up. nah i don't really looking forward for that but as long as I'm there for that person lorh. hmm. nearly 1am dad was send to his bed and we accompanied him for awhile. its been so long i never kiss him at his forehead and i did before we went off back home. aww dad kissed me on my cheek. ~ i hope nothing gonna happen ouhk abah, insyallah you get well soon. ~

Goals?

2009-06-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

i just don't understand whats going on with my surrounding. alot of dramatic and pathetic. please stop all that bullshits can? after 1 burden to another. and how i wish they know how i feel right now. i just don't understand whats in their mind. are they being such a attention seeker or what? damn! let stop talking bout this. such a inmature. huahahah!

i hate my life right now. I'm not schooling and working. i only depend on my family for money each time and i don't see myself earning something whenever i go out. man, i need a job so badly. and after went to alot of jobs interview, non of it call me back. its just not my luck lah. I'm so bored and restless at home. I'm deadly rotten. ahaha. and every of my friends are busy with schooling and working while me myself shake legs at home. WTF?! gees, i know. tell me about it. seriously i need to achieve every of my goals and fulfill it.

Goals:
1. continue study at Poly
2. find a job
3. piano lesson
4. bike license
5. to be with him back
6. settle up the case

that is all for now. i need to get a life man. i need to find it no matter what. i wont give up on my goals. seriously, I'm sick and tired listening to them for finding a job when me myself am finding one. omg each day i become more useless and lame. god please help...